August 16, 2009

I just took a bite out of my horribly tasting, yet very juicy Fuji apple, which is a complete bummer because Fuji apples are one of my favorites.  Apple juice squirted all over my screen and as I wiped the splatters with my shirt, I kept thinking, “Did I really ever have anything to say?”

Seriously, it has long enough that I cannot really remember blogging or better how I blogged.  The words are not flowing and I cannot find the beat.  I keep eating my apple, mostly out of guilt.  I have had nothing healthy to eat.  My punishment:  I must eat this disgusting, dirt-tasting apple.

From the basement I hear, Dave shout, “Eli get away from Kyle RIGHT NOW!”  “But Kyle just clawed me.”   I hear Dave continue, barely audible, yet enough to know he is letting Eli have it.  “Dad, Dad.” Eli softly wines . . . In many ways life has not changed.

Three years ago, actually a little more (now four 7.23.10), I stopped blogging.  I was in over my head.  Dark, insane, irrational, depression was tempting to swallow me whole. My only defense was to stop what I was doing, blogging included, and run as fast as I could in a new direction.  I do not know if I will ever fully be able to convey how completely grateful I am for this choice to turn left and step forward.

At the time I really had nothing more to say.  Better, at the time, what I had to say was that it was time I focus on my family. We were in the midst of building our house and I could barely muster the strength to decide on faucets and lighting.  I was so completely sad.  With blogging, I was grateful for the connections, the shout outs, the links thrown my way –  I still am. I was grateful for finding others in the deep spaces of the internet, those who seemed to get me. I was also completely confident that when I abruptly needed to go that someone out there would get it.  I did not explain. I had just enough energy to shut the door.

Consumed with my infertility and recent second trimester miscarriage, I could not think or communicate clearly.   I also make no excuses. I have come to believe that there are no accidents.   Further, I believe that our choices, good or bad, take us to where we need to be.  At the time I had absolutely no idea how completely overcome I was.  It has taken years to see and love that person, me, who was in so much pain.  I am still not pregnant.  I have had many miscarriages, a surgery and all sorts of fertility treatment since then. I am better, I hope, at dealing.  I wish I could shake the desire to have another child of my own, but years later, thousands of dollars and therapy bills later, I know that it is what it is.  For so long it seemed easier to blame something else: the stress of building, my blog, motherhood, anything, but looking at myself. I quickly saw and was reminded that I am the only person or thing I am in control of.  The beauty of abrupt change is that it gets your momentum going.  Suddenly and clearly I saw the new need for boundaries and was not quite sure I could begin to re-navigate the internet world until I established some better real-world boundaries  — still working on that – probably always will.  Crazy how it all works, isn’t it?

I do not think I can even come close to addressing the last three years in one post (now four).  And I actually feel like this post is getting a little esoteric, something I swore I would never do.

I finally threw my apple away.  I did not finish.

I wish I could say that I am up on the latest. I wish I had a clue how to use Twitter. Dave has set me up an account. I see things about RSS and now I don’t see them as much. Things are changing so fast.  At least I am on Facebook, right?

All this next stuff is probably obvious, but just in case and because I do not expect you to remember me.  Back in 2006, after a rash of theft, we decided to move closer to our home construction.  We were out 20K in stolen tools and decided we needed to have a daily presence at the building site.  Moving closer worked. The theft stopped.  Our Salt Lake City home sold quickly and I am glad we sold it then instead of now.  We moved a half an hour away from where we used to live.  I have two boys, who are healthy and happy and one amazingly wonderful, a crazy cool husband.  Don’t ask me how, yet we did survive our house build, dog bites, broken bones, run-ins with the range hood, being sued, losing our foreman and even somehow managed a respectable home with one incredibly checked-out me.  I only regret the basement carpet and kitchen counters.  Both can be changed eventually – I hope, or it will bug me forever!

Once here, the boys spent a couple of years attending a wonderful and somewhat dysfunctional hippy Montessori School and loved almost every minute of it. I also became quite involved with the school until the moment I stubbornly learned that as I hard as I try, I cannot fix anyone or anything. The school was an amazingly beautiful experience, of horse-backing riding, groovy school performances, Native American teachings, great lessons in parallel skiing and life-long friends that could have only been made through this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Thank you stars for aligning.

I fell in love too. We have been to Hawaii twice (three times now) and I have never been so enamored. Kauai and its passionate and rugged landscape is my favorite. Thanks to a last minute recommendation from our good friends, we decided to Island hop from Oahu to Kauai. I will never be the same. I have surfed, snorkeled and allowed myself to fly the long, nail-biting, always turbulent flight over the Pacific Ocean. It is so worth it.

As much as I enjoyed the company I cannot quite say the same about our recent trip to lovely Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. Perhaps the theft, the “bait and switch” hotel accommodations and the super infection I brought home with me, might have something to do with it. No, I did not bring the H1N1 Flu to the United States. However, now living in a small resort community, we certainly reaped the benefits of the Swine Flu with our additional spring break this past April.  Woot!

I have so much to say and if I do not stop now, I will ramble all night.  Thank God blogs go on and on and on so I can keep on telling my story.  I cannot wait to tell you about the near-death snakebite or the flying scissors incident.  I hope I will not piss off the people close to me.  Please, please do not wait to tell me if I do.  I promise to tell the people I know in my day-to-day life when I am depressed or happy or pregnant before announcing it here. I promise not to fake it.

Until next time.