And with a roll of Duct Tape covering my mouth and tying my hands together, I ride the PMS wave. Once my hormones are back to normal, Dave cuts me lose and I breathe for another 28 days. Oh man, I can only imagine what Perimenopause is going to do to hormone-driven lack-of-verbal control.
Even when my hormones are perfectly balanced, I promise I will somehow offend you. I am just that skilled. I will most often offend you when I am working extra hard not to offend you. When I try to FIX and MAKE things better, you will see me as judgmental and I will believe that I am looking out for your best interest. When you do not approve of my actions, you will let me know with an email, an unfriend, a phone call, a text, a Tweet, words to another friend, a glare, a silent treatment and if I am lucky you will say something like, “Dude, I love you, but you are really bugging me. Stop it!” I like it when you are direct and willing to work it through. My heart never intends to hurt you.
There are many many reasons and explanations, people say stupid and mean stuff. That is just how it goes. Really, this post is exactly what I said in my title, “What do you do with the SHITY things people say to you?”
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Here is the shittiest one that completely changed my world. I was a very young girl about eight years old (give or take a year). I was sitting in our family room/office while my mom was on the phone with my dad. They were divorced and he did not know I was on the line listening. To this day, I believe the words I my dad said about me are what has made me stumble and feel completely “less than.” His most well-intended words broke my heart and in one short sentence I knew he did not want me. My mom was re-married and I believe my step father was interested in adopting me and my three siblings. I short-circuited and froze as I heard my dad say, “You can have Beth, but I won’t let you have the other three.” I kept going over it in my mind and then thinking about how I could convince him that he really did want me. (I was so scrappy), “Did he really just say that?” For a very long time I tried to salesman my way back int his life. “I am sure if I do [fill in the blank], he will want me.”
In one sentence, I went from knowing I had a place on this Earth to feeling like I did not deserve a space on this planet. I have spent years and years trying to convince myself that I am just as worthy to be here as everyone else. Those shitty words have formed this giant, you-are-worthless mountain and because of those words I have spent way too much time trying to make it all better. Somewhere I convinced myself if I could fix and believe in everyone and everything else, maybe that big giant you-do-not-belong hole could be filled. Unfortunately life is not clean. As I have tried to fix the damage caused by the shittiest thing ever said about me, I have managed to pass the hurt along and consequently say and or write really crappy things about others. Thank God for long internet breaks and Thank God for husbands. Thank God for little boys who love their mom. Thank God for sons who say, “Mom, I think you need a hug.” Thank goodness for friends who have loved you since you were five years old and who love you even though you say stupid stuff sometimes. Thank goodness for friends who are human and say stupid stuff too. Thank God for scary scary diseases that wake you up and thank God for healing. Thank God for perspective and thank goodness for the ability to let go. What to do with the shitty words, well, I say, “Don’t let them bring you down. Breathe and move forward. You never know where that person was when they said them.” Ok, I say all these Zen things until someone says something shitty to or about your children. Then, I say, “ALL BETS ARE OFF!”