Purple Flower (while I own it)

Flower

So much to say,
So much to say

I feel better about my fertility and I still have cramps. I am guessing my period will still start on time, which means I want to eat the entire house. But, this week I let myself own how sad I feel. I am not pretending that it is better than it is, because you and I both know that for me, this whole fertility thing has really sucked. That being said, I feel happy. Why? I am not sure. Well, maybe I am. I think I feel happy because I am owning it.

My personal owning experience for today: Earlier this afternoon, when I ran into a neighbor at Costco and I saw her new baby, I told her how we have been trying for three years and how old it is getting. Then, she empathetically asked me if I felt sad when I found out my good friend was pregnant.

Of course I felt sad, but I also felt happy for her. I knew how much she wanted this. And sure, when I did find out she was pregnant, I silently went through a whole lot of, ‘why me’s?’

Then she asked me,

Is it hard in general?

Instead of what I usually do: talk about how much harder it is for everyone else, I owned it.

Yes, it is hard and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes, when I see a new baby, my heart stops, I lose my breath and . . . well, you know, it is completely sad. When I see a woman’s pregnant belly, I silently suffocate with sorrow and yearn to be where she is. Instead, I am here.

Ok, we said a lot more and because I’m learning how to own it properly, I probably gave her way too much information, and I think that is ok. This woman was sitting there with her three kids (one of them a brand new baby) and she too listed how she would like her life different. She continued,

Yeah, I am wishing that they weren’t so close together in age, you know what I mean? It is really hard right now.

What I did is let this woman, who I don’t know very well, see who I am. And I am thinking, because she felt comfortable with who I am, she also felt ok letting me see her struggle too (at least that is what I hope). Liberating! As we finished our conversation, she assured me that everyone would be there for me if I end up having twins because of the Clomid.

Slow down there!

I said, and then we both laughed. It was nice. It was nice just to be.

11 Comments
  1. May 12, 2006
  2. May 12, 2006
  3. May 12, 2006
  4. May 12, 2006
  5. May 12, 2006
  6. May 13, 2006
  7. May 13, 2006
  8. May 13, 2006
  9. May 13, 2006
  10. May 15, 2006
  11. May 19, 2006