Purple Flower (while I own it)


So much to say,
So much to say

I feel better about my fertility and I still have cramps. I am guessing my period will still start on time, which means I want to eat the entire house. But, this week I let myself own how sad I feel. I am not pretending that it is better than it is, because you and I both know that for me, this whole fertility thing has really sucked. That being said, I feel happy. Why? I am not sure. Well, maybe I am. I think I feel happy because I am owning it.

My personal owning experience for today: Earlier this afternoon, when I ran into a neighbor at Costco and I saw her new baby, I told her how we have been trying for three years and how old it is getting. Then, she empathetically asked me if I felt sad when I found out my good friend was pregnant.

Of course I felt sad, but I also felt happy for her. I knew how much she wanted this. And sure, when I did find out she was pregnant, I silently went through a whole lot of, ‘why me’s?’

Then she asked me,

Is it hard in general?

Instead of what I usually do: talk about how much harder it is for everyone else, I owned it.

Yes, it is hard and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes, when I see a new baby, my heart stops, I lose my breath and . . . well, you know, it is completely sad. When I see a woman’s pregnant belly, I silently suffocate with sorrow and yearn to be where she is. Instead, I am here.

Ok, we said a lot more and because I’m learning how to own it properly, I probably gave her way too much information, and I think that is ok. This woman was sitting there with her three kids (one of them a brand new baby) and she too listed how she would like her life different. She continued,

Yeah, I am wishing that they weren’t so close together in age, you know what I mean? It is really hard right now.

What I did is let this woman, who I don’t know very well, see who I am. And I am thinking, because she felt comfortable with who I am, she also felt ok letting me see her struggle too (at least that is what I hope). Liberating! As we finished our conversation, she assured me that everyone would be there for me if I end up having twins because of the Clomid.

Slow down there!

I said, and then we both laughed. It was nice. It was nice just to be.

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11 thoughts on “Purple Flower (while I own it)

  1. Congratulations for owning it, Beth!

    I totally can relate. For me, I think that being raised Catholic had a lot to do with it. I was taught to put everyone else’s needs before mine. So that, coupled with being female, made it very hard for me to think about what was best for me and to not feel selfish about it.

    Now I try to balance others’ needs with my needs. Some days I do well at it, and some days I don’t. But I like to celebrate the days that I feel like I took care of both myself and others.

  2. Owning it is very good. And your compassion for her plight is admirable. Sigh. Why can’t women all be more supportive of each other? It would be a perfect world, wouldn’t?

    I’m glad you’re feeling happy. Owning that is sometimes just as important!

  3. Good for you, Beth. I’m glad you had such a nice experience opening up to someone and validating your own experience.

    And as for the babies and pregnant ladies and wanting so badly to have one/be one yourself? I totally hear you, and I’m not even in a position to try yet. Pout.

  4. I can relate to the “catholic” thing, being female, and I”m also a MIDDLE CHILD. Super pleaser! Everyone before me. I can so relate!

  5. It says a lot too that she felt comfortable enough to know you have fertility problems and still vent about being overwhelmed with three to you. And,you didn’t get on your blog and get upset about it either. You realize that everyone is in their own situation and related to that.

    You’re very open-minded and non-judgemental, Beth. That’s very inspiring…

  6. I love how real you were with your neighbor. That you didn’t try to shy away from the topic, that you didn’t try to say it wasn’t a big deal when it was. I’m proud of you. That takes guts, and vulnerability, and courage.

    I could stand to learn from your example.

  7. I am working on this same issue in my own life. It’s amazing with all the pain that fertility brings how we want to shield others and spare them from its ugliness.

    You and your neighbor both are great examples of being empathetic to others’ troubles. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  8. Nice. You are so much more mature than me. When I was trying and trying to get pregnant for the first time and failing, my friend in Utah sent me a card announcing the birth of her THIRD child. And here I was not able to have even one.

    I was so upset, i threw the announcement across the room. And then I think i crumpled it up and trashed it.

    This woman–this friend–never knew how that made me feel. At the time, I had no words for it. Thank you for sharing yours on this subject.

  9. I’m eerily proud of you for that moment, Beth, and I’m honored that you always let us see the real you, even if we have to decipher it from what you say.

    Being yourself is 90% of the battle you know. I think of you often with what you’re going through, and I hope that you find peace in some way. I’m inspired by you in this journey, and what you go through and how you handle it, really. You have no right to be complimentary of me, as you can be, for you are the graceful one.

    I hope you continue to just be who you are and get comfort from it, because really, that’s the best gift in life.

  10. I, too, was proud of you for letting yoruself say how you were really feeling. I know that when I talk to you, I feel totally comfortable revealing things that I don’t to most people, and you always say the right things and offer the best advice. I often think that you don’t talk about how you’re feeling about your infertility issues so much because you think my situation is somehow more painful than your’s right now. I don’t feel that way, though. Aren’t you and I kind of feeling the same sort of pain? And how would my pain be any stronger or more justified than your’s? I’m glad you brought this up, I’m glad you’re thinking it through.

    I don’t know if this came out the way I intended, it’s hard to write coherently when I keep being interrupted at work. Stupid Work! ;P

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