Stuck on Pause: The Habitrail of my Life

Spring Buds. Salt Lake City, Utah -- Copyright
Spring Buds. Salt Lake City, Utah — Copyright

I read the best blog entry the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since. Alice’s thoughts are articulated much better than I could have expressed the same types of feelings, which I have also been having these days. Lucky for me, it is so nice to know that someone out there and a very eloquent someone, has similar thoughts and feelings just like I do.

So what’s racing through the Habitrail of my brain today? Let’s see.

[Forgive me while I go into rare List Mode — Listing helps me separate me see what is really bugging me]

  • I need to call the doctor, I mean, the Reproductive Endocrinologist, to schedule Dave’s special specimen retrieving appointment. But after my friend described in detail what we could and could not do to help Dave retrieve his sample, I have been paralyzed by my very own performance anxiety –“Can touch here, but not there. Hands must be clean. Must not touch the top . . . ”

    Street Sign. Salt Lake City, Utah
    Street Sign. Salt Lake City, Utah
  • OvulationWe had sex when I ovulated, at least three times. I was sure I was ovulating, I think? My C.M. seemed perfect. Was it perfect or was it in my brain? I think I had two full days of egg whites? Could it be a yeast infection? No, there was no itching? Can you have a yeast infection and not itch? Am I not going to ovulate because I am stressing out so much about ovulating? Wait, I already ovulated. How long should I wait to take a pregnancy test? Should I take a pregnancy test? Are those cramps or is it anxiety? Could I be pregnant? Should I be pregnant?
  • So if Dave’s swimmers are swimming well, then we will go for A.I. (In this case, I only wish A.I. stood for Artificial Intelligence). So, if Dave’s guys are doing what they need to, then next month we will go for Artificial Insemination. Fun Fun. My doctor says I have like a 5 – 15 % great chance of conceiving with A.I. Is it even worth it. Then again, I keep wondering if I am pregnant this month? Wouldn’t it be crazy? If I was pregnant, then we would have another Christmas baby,Which takes us to the next bullet point.
  • A Holiday BabyEli is our Thanksgiving Child and Kyle is our Winter Solstice, Christmas Boy. If I did, by some huge miracle, get pregnant this month, then number three would be born between Thanksgiving and Christmas. AHOY! OY! When Dave and I talked about this, we agreed that at least all three kids would be equally screwed by having birthdays over the holidays. And my mom suggested that maybe this is our fertility window and that we should just go with it. You see, I conceived both Kyle and Eli in the month of March. Maybe early spring is our time. Maybe this is the only time my body can get itself in the right rhythm. Maybe I my ovaries are like little flower buds, coming to bloom in early spring and dying by autumn. Maybe.
  • Ok, so if I can push my brain past my infertility, then my list goes on and on forever. Thank God I have Kyle and Eli. Taking care of them forces me out of my head and always stops me from focusing entirely on me, Me, ME.I am worried about our move. I am worried about new schools. Kyle has done so well in his program. It was a hard adjustment, but now he totally fits in. He absolutely LOVES school. In fact, each day, I have to coax him out of the classroom. I don’t want to pull him from this school. I am panicking at the thought of making him adjust one more time to a new environment. I don’t want to deal with all the work it takes to deprogram the teachers and other parents, hoping that they will give him a chance, be patient with him and see that sure he can have a rocky start, but once he gets it, he gets it. I think Kyle is like me. He has some social anxiety. In his case, until he feels safe, he is very exuberant and willful. When Kyle relaxes and adjusts to his new environment, he is one of the most well-behaved kids in class. When people see Kyle as bad, he tends to live up to their expectations. Damn people and their labels and inability to see beyond their short-sided judgments. And actually, I hope their is a special place in Hell for Narrow Minded folks.
  • I want to keep working on my list, but I need to pick my kids up from school.
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