Stuck on Pause: The Habitrail of my Life

Spring Buds. Salt Lake City, Utah -- Copyright
Spring Buds. Salt Lake City, Utah — Copyright

I read the best blog entry the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since. Alice’s thoughts are articulated much better than I could have expressed the same types of feelings, which I have also been having these days. Lucky for me, it is so nice to know that someone out there and a very eloquent someone, has similar thoughts and feelings just like I do.

So what’s racing through the Habitrail of my brain today? Let’s see.

[Forgive me while I go into rare List Mode — Listing helps me separate me see what is really bugging me]

  • I need to call the doctor, I mean, the Reproductive Endocrinologist, to schedule Dave’s special specimen retrieving appointment. But after my friend described in detail what we could and could not do to help Dave retrieve his sample, I have been paralyzed by my very own performance anxiety –“Can touch here, but not there. Hands must be clean. Must not touch the top . . . ”

    Street Sign. Salt Lake City, Utah
    Street Sign. Salt Lake City, Utah
  • OvulationWe had sex when I ovulated, at least three times. I was sure I was ovulating, I think? My C.M. seemed perfect. Was it perfect or was it in my brain? I think I had two full days of egg whites? Could it be a yeast infection? No, there was no itching? Can you have a yeast infection and not itch? Am I not going to ovulate because I am stressing out so much about ovulating? Wait, I already ovulated. How long should I wait to take a pregnancy test? Should I take a pregnancy test? Are those cramps or is it anxiety? Could I be pregnant? Should I be pregnant?
  • So if Dave’s swimmers are swimming well, then we will go for A.I. (In this case, I only wish A.I. stood for Artificial Intelligence). So, if Dave’s guys are doing what they need to, then next month we will go for Artificial Insemination. Fun Fun. My doctor says I have like a 5 – 15 % great chance of conceiving with A.I. Is it even worth it. Then again, I keep wondering if I am pregnant this month? Wouldn’t it be crazy? If I was pregnant, then we would have another Christmas baby,Which takes us to the next bullet point.
  • A Holiday BabyEli is our Thanksgiving Child and Kyle is our Winter Solstice, Christmas Boy. If I did, by some huge miracle, get pregnant this month, then number three would be born between Thanksgiving and Christmas. AHOY! OY! When Dave and I talked about this, we agreed that at least all three kids would be equally screwed by having birthdays over the holidays. And my mom suggested that maybe this is our fertility window and that we should just go with it. You see, I conceived both Kyle and Eli in the month of March. Maybe early spring is our time. Maybe this is the only time my body can get itself in the right rhythm. Maybe I my ovaries are like little flower buds, coming to bloom in early spring and dying by autumn. Maybe.
  • Ok, so if I can push my brain past my infertility, then my list goes on and on forever. Thank God I have Kyle and Eli. Taking care of them forces me out of my head and always stops me from focusing entirely on me, Me, ME.I am worried about our move. I am worried about new schools. Kyle has done so well in his program. It was a hard adjustment, but now he totally fits in. He absolutely LOVES school. In fact, each day, I have to coax him out of the classroom. I don’t want to pull him from this school. I am panicking at the thought of making him adjust one more time to a new environment. I don’t want to deal with all the work it takes to deprogram the teachers and other parents, hoping that they will give him a chance, be patient with him and see that sure he can have a rocky start, but once he gets it, he gets it. I think Kyle is like me. He has some social anxiety. In his case, until he feels safe, he is very exuberant and willful. When Kyle relaxes and adjusts to his new environment, he is one of the most well-behaved kids in class. When people see Kyle as bad, he tends to live up to their expectations. Damn people and their labels and inability to see beyond their short-sided judgments. And actually, I hope their is a special place in Hell for Narrow Minded folks.
  • I want to keep working on my list, but I need to pick my kids up from school.
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19 thoughts on “Stuck on Pause: The Habitrail of my Life

  1. The sort of mish-mash-habitrail posts are my favorite.

    I understand how you feel about the school issue. My kids have been uprooted more than once, and it’s particularly hard on my middle son. He’s been excluded from birthday parties because of judgements and misgivings and that just deflates me as a human being. Luckily he’s still a bit oblivious to it.

    You hang in there – everything will work out beautifully!

  2. I moved a lot when I was little. Let me think…I went to 7 different school districts. It can be hard and scary, but it can also be fun and exciting.

    I know how frustrating it can be when you’re trying to get pregnant. My husband and I tried when my son was 3. We didn’t try for very long, but even in the short amount of time we did try, there were a lot of highs and lows. Maybe you’re right, maybe March is your month. I hope the best for you because you are a great mother and you have a lot of love to share.

  3. Habitrail is so cool. So much on your mind – I’m with you. Mostly (and I know you know this), Kyle is great. Kyle is really great. I know he’ll find his niche. I can’t wait to see your house.

    Love you.

  4. Good luck with spring blossom ovaries! 🙂 I hope they worked.

    In the case that it doesn’t, and you move on to the insemination, it might help if you think of it as an IUI (which is what a lot of docs call it), which stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination. This is what finally got me pregnant after three years of trying. (that and some wonderful injectible hormones) I had a serious mental block when it came to calling it “artificial insemination”… well, hell…I had a serious mental block when it came to the whole infertility thing at all. Oh yah, call it Denial, big-time. In my head, all I could think was that this was something that happened to “Other People”…not me. I still have a hard time talking about it sometimes, and many people (IRL) don’t know that my son was concieved via the IUI. They think it was just the injections and sex that worked.

    Anyways…sorry to ramble…all of this was to say, well…um, what? I guess to let you know that you’re not alone, and that you have people (me!) supporting you and rooting for you 100%! Good luck!

  5. I enjoyed your list of thoughts. WOW, you have a lot going on! Hope writing your thoughts down stopped them from endlessly circling your brain. When i’ve got too much to think about that’s exactly what I do and it helps almost immediately. It’s like assuring your brain – you can take a break, thoughts will be waiting on nearby list.

  6. As always, you all have such kind things to say.

    Rhonda, I totally agree about writing things down. I should start doing it more often. Yesterday, I felt so energized after writing this post.

    Cory, I will have to use IUI from now on. Thank you for your encouragement. It is great hearing that it worked for you. You give me hope.

    Domo, I know Kyle will be ok. He is so resilient. It is me I worry about [wink].

    Melanie, Your words are what I needed to hear to keep me going on this blogging journey so thank you.

    Heather, you always are so honest and good. I love you perspective. You have lived such a rich life.

    Thanks to all of you. I feel so lucky to know there are cool folks out there who care about what I say. Thank you!

  7. I’m a firm believer in fertility windows. I think if you look at large families you see kids born in seasonal clusters.

    All four of my kids have birthdays in a three week period.

    I’m sorry for all the fertility and AI stuff. Thinking good thoughts for you.

  8. As always, Beth, thanks for your post. I’m so glad that you are writing more often.

    Right before I read this entry, I was telling myself that just because it’s day 28 and I have cramps and am bloated and am very irritable–there still could be a chance that I am pregnant. I highly doubt it, of course, but am still trying to be positive.

    This is our first experience (5 months) of trying and it feels like forever. I know many others, including you, have been doing this much longer than my husband and I have and my heart truly goes out to you.

    I’m sending good thoughts that you’ll be celebrating 3 births this winter!

    Take care.

  9. Beth, I am right there with you in the “wait” to see if I am pregnant. We have been trying a mere three months, and I am already going crazy. I know this is nothing in comparison to what you have experienced,but your words really calmed me down when I read them. I didn’t go to sleep untio 2 a.m. because I was trying to figure out if we had enough sex on the right days. Thanks for the calming effect your words had on me. I have never heard of “fertility windows”, but I am suddenly a BIG BELIEVER.

  10. I don’t think I have ever commented before, but I had to give you my two cents about REs and IUIs…

    I am a fertile infertile… I don’t ovulate on my own, but when I do 9 with the help of clomid, and an IUI, I have a high rate of success… I have been TTCing on and off for 5 years, I ovulated 5 times and did 3 IUIs. I got pregnant all three times!!! I have a beautiful 4 year old son, and another one due in August… I lost one pregnancy at 22 weeks due to an infection, nothing to do with the IUI… and the baby I lost had a due date 3 days from my darling son… (fertility window?) Please make your appointment to see an RE, I just wish you lived in Philadelphia, so you could go to see my wonderful doctor!!!

  11. What else is there to say? It’s good to work it out on “paper” like this. Sometimes it’s all we can do. I’m sending you my love and lots of positive thoughts and prayers!

  12. Hello! I’ve popped over here from Busy Mom’s site and thought I’d leave a comment.

    I read the same instructions on what could and could not be done to “help” and it all was so WEIRD to even talk/think/read about. So yeah – I feel ya on that one.

  13. love and miss you, lady. i’m still gunning for blogher, so i we can spend some quality grrrl time together. its only a few months away!

    i’m sending you all the good fertility vibes i can muster. if anyone on this planet should get pregnant, like, yesterday, its you. GOOO SPERM! GOOO EGG!! WOOT!

    big smoochies to you and all three of the boyz in the hood.

  14. Sometimes, I almost wish for a Habitrail, so that at least my cycling and running and getting nowhere stayed contained. Tempest in a Teapot, as it were.
    I wish you luck, great luck in your bambino efforts. May Spring be the answer – wherever the answer lies.
    hugs, Jen

  15. I love the habitrail metaphor, perfect for the deep neurotic grooves that run through my brain.

    I know you will get pregnant. I JUST know it!! (A school mom I know just got pregnant at 44 after trying for two years. And it was an “accident!” Have you tried having sex a few days before ovulation? (That is probably a very annoying thing for me to say right now, but I’ve heard that really works, and I personally know three articially inseminated kids, so I know that works, too.)

    Okay, I’ll shut up now, but I know exactly how you feel. It’s the worst feeling.

  16. older woman 43 ttc for 3 yrs now. i had 3 iui’s and 1 ivf cycle. i gotten pregnant once from ivf but miscarried after 7 weeks. now this is my last iui using clomid and injectibles. after that one more ivf procedure and thats it. throwing in the towel due to the financial hardship it has became on me. so please wish me luck that i will get pregnant and have a child. after 45 i think i would need to accept it and more on. what hurts is living out the rest of your life in regret. if only i would of tried when i was much younger. not i will always live the pain. no matter how good things can be. there will always be ghost in the closet.

  17. older woman 43 ttc for 3 yrs now. i had 3 iui’s and 1 ivf cycle. i gotten pregnant once from ivf but miscarried after 7 weeks. now this is my last iui using clomid and injectibles. after that… one more ivf procedure and thats it. throwing in the towel due to the financial hardship it has became on me. so please wish me luck that i will get pregnant and have a child. after 45 if i havent gotten pregnant then i think i would need to accept it and more on. what hurts is living out the rest of my life in regret. if only i would of tried having a baby when i was much younger. now i will always live with the emotional pain. no matter how good things can be. there will always be that thought nagging at me that ghost in the closet.

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