August 16, 2009
I just took a bite out of my horribly tasting, yet very juicy Fuji apple, which is a complete bummer because Fuji apples are one of my favorites. Apple juice squirted all over my screen and as I wiped the splatters with my shirt, I kept thinking, “Did I really ever have anything to say?”
Seriously, it has long enough that I cannot really remember blogging or better how I blogged. The words are not flowing and I cannot find the beat. I keep eating my apple, mostly out of guilt. I have had nothing healthy to eat. My punishment: I must eat this disgusting, dirt-tasting apple.
From the basement I hear, Dave shout, “Eli get away from Kyle RIGHT NOW!” “But Kyle just clawed me.” I hear Dave continue, barely audible, yet enough to know he is letting Eli have it. “Dad, Dad.” Eli softly wines . . . In many ways life has not changed.
Three years ago, actually a little more (now four 7.23.10), I stopped blogging. I was in over my head. Dark, insane, irrational, depression was tempting to swallow me whole. My only defense was to stop what I was doing, blogging included, and run as fast as I could in a new direction. I do not know if I will ever fully be able to convey how completely grateful I am for this choice to turn left and step forward.
At the time I really had nothing more to say. Better, at the time, what I had to say was that it was time I focus on my family. We were in the midst of building our house and I could barely muster the strength to decide on faucets and lighting. I was so completely sad. With blogging, I was grateful for the connections, the shout outs, the links thrown my way – I still am. I was grateful for finding others in the deep spaces of the internet, those who seemed to get me. I was also completely confident that when I abruptly needed to go that someone out there would get it. I did not explain. I had just enough energy to shut the door.
Consumed with my infertility and recent second trimester miscarriage, I could not think or communicate clearly. I also make no excuses. I have come to believe that there are no accidents. Further, I believe that our choices, good or bad, take us to where we need to be. At the time I had absolutely no idea how completely overcome I was. It has taken years to see and love that person, me, who was in so much pain. I am still not pregnant. I have had many miscarriages, a surgery and all sorts of fertility treatment since then. I am better, I hope, at dealing. I wish I could shake the desire to have another child of my own, but years later, thousands of dollars and therapy bills later, I know that it is what it is. For so long it seemed easier to blame something else: the stress of building, my blog, motherhood, anything, but looking at myself. I quickly saw and was reminded that I am the only person or thing I am in control of. The beauty of abrupt change is that it gets your momentum going. Suddenly and clearly I saw the new need for boundaries and was not quite sure I could begin to re-navigate the internet world until I established some better real-world boundaries — still working on that – probably always will. Crazy how it all works, isn’t it?
I do not think I can even come close to addressing the last three years in one post (now four). And I actually feel like this post is getting a little esoteric, something I swore I would never do.
I finally threw my apple away. I did not finish.
I wish I could say that I am up on the latest. I wish I had a clue how to use Twitter. Dave has set me up an account. I see things about RSS and now I don’t see them as much. Things are changing so fast. At least I am on Facebook, right?
All this next stuff is probably obvious, but just in case and because I do not expect you to remember me. Back in 2006, after a rash of theft, we decided to move closer to our home construction. We were out 20K in stolen tools and decided we needed to have a daily presence at the building site. Moving closer worked. The theft stopped. Our Salt Lake City home sold quickly and I am glad we sold it then instead of now. We moved a half an hour away from where we used to live. I have two boys, who are healthy and happy and one amazingly wonderful, a crazy cool husband. Don’t ask me how, yet we did survive our house build, dog bites, broken bones, run-ins with the range hood, being sued, losing our foreman and even somehow managed a respectable home with one incredibly checked-out me. I only regret the basement carpet and kitchen counters. Both can be changed eventually – I hope, or it will bug me forever!
Once here, the boys spent a couple of years attending a wonderful and somewhat dysfunctional hippy Montessori School and loved almost every minute of it. I also became quite involved with the school until the moment I stubbornly learned that as I hard as I try, I cannot fix anyone or anything. The school was an amazingly beautiful experience, of horse-backing riding, groovy school performances, Native American teachings, great lessons in parallel skiing and life-long friends that could have only been made through this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Thank you stars for aligning.
I fell in love too. We have been to Hawaii twice (three times now) and I have never been so enamored. Kauai and its passionate and rugged landscape is my favorite. Thanks to a last minute recommendation from our good friends, we decided to Island hop from Oahu to Kauai. I will never be the same. I have surfed, snorkeled and allowed myself to fly the long, nail-biting, always turbulent flight over the Pacific Ocean. It is so worth it.
As much as I enjoyed the company I cannot quite say the same about our recent trip to lovely Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. Perhaps the theft, the “bait and switch” hotel accommodations and the super infection I brought home with me, might have something to do with it. No, I did not bring the H1N1 Flu to the United States. However, now living in a small resort community, we certainly reaped the benefits of the Swine Flu with our additional spring break this past April. Woot!
I have so much to say and if I do not stop now, I will ramble all night. Thank God blogs go on and on and on so I can keep on telling my story. I cannot wait to tell you about the near-death snakebite or the flying scissors incident. I hope I will not piss off the people close to me. Please, please do not wait to tell me if I do. I promise to tell the people I know in my day-to-day life when I am depressed or happy or pregnant before announcing it here. I promise not to fake it.
Until next time.
18 thoughts on “A Kind of Where Have I Been . . .”
Oh hell yes. SO GLAD to be reading words from you. Welcome back, girl.
You have NO idea how psyched I just was to see TWELVE new posts from you on my Google Reader. I have missed your honest, wonderful writing. Four years flew by. You are like an old friend, who can just pick up where you left off without any explanation needed.
I have done a brief stint in therapy and I learned SO much about how I’m not in control (I can only control how I react). And I am a huge, huge, firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know that reason. Like you said: “I have come to believe that there are no accidents.”
Welcome back–I read you long ago, and never stopped “checking” to see if you were back.
Hi! I was so excited to see your email & in happy you’re doing well now.
I’m not personally blogging anymore, just sharing my weight loss journey on No More Muffintop and snarking on bad crafts at Craftastrophe.net. Both are group blogs. I found I had nothing more I wanted to share either. The boys are much older and I figured they wouldn’t want me sharing as much.
So glad to see you back Beth. I have thought about you and yours over the years and wondered how you were. xo
SO happy to have you back!!! xoxo
I just sat down and read everything. Happy to have you back, ‘getting’ you, and understand the break, the breaking points, etc. Ever at a blogging crossroads myself…
Welcome back, Beth! It’s so great to read your new posts and “catch up!” The snake bite story was terrifying. I’m glad to see you and your family are doing well now. 🙂
So so so happy to have you and the family back “with us!”
I’ve been hoping you’d get back to blogging one day — I so enjoyed reading Crazy Us back when and am excited about your return. Hooray!!
First, THANK YOU for all of the love!
Second, I honestly cannot believe anyone remembers me after four long years. Because you do, YOU made my day.raz
So very, very glad to see you back. You were my first blog read. 4 years flew by but I thought of you and your family often. Glad to see you back.
oh oh I’m just so glad you’re back. I loved the travel stories back then, and your photography that inspired me before I got so into it myself, and just the way you wrote about life… and I always wondered how you guys were doing. I can’t wait to hear about the adventures, they seriously sound SO exciting! 🙂
WOW!!! I am so glad I emailed you when you were quitting your blog and asked you to keep me posted (when/if) you started back up.
Since then, I’ve switched emails. Happened to check my defunct Yahoo email today and WOW- you are back!
Yay Beth! YAY trying this once more and for trusting us to follow along.
Welcome Back – I was just thinking about you the other day and now here you are 🙂
So glad to see you back on. Over the past three years, I would come back and take a peek always hoping for your return. Glad your here 🙂 It’s going to be lovely to catch up.
So happy to have you back and feeling better…. Is it crazy that I was worried about you and checked back often to see if you were back? Keep what you are doing!! I can see you shining thru your words!
Five years ago, I only read two blogs, dooce and crazyus. You disappeared. I was relieved to see a mention on dooce that you were all right and just taking a break from blogging. I checked back daily, then weekly, then monthly, to see if you’d come back. I’m so glad that I never stopped checking back! I haven’t kept up with any blogs in a long time, but I think it is time to start again! Welcome back!
Hi there, I enjoy reading through your post.
I wanted to write a little comment to support you.