Traveling is an interesting bag. In many ways it feels like running a marathon. It’s uncomfortable, it is inconvenient, and traffic takes so much longer than you plan. Tight quarters enable some really fantastic and really pointless arguments. Long car rides make people squirrely, and working insanely (yes, correct adjective) hard to meet the demands of Team, “I want to see castles with painted ceilings,” versus Team, “I want to see the city and the Dr. Marten store,” is challenging, to say the least.
We are close to mid-way through our trip and today we hit a wall. I know Day five was a tough one, and it has been a little rocky ever since. I am crossing my fingers that today we broke through. I am averaging about five hours of sleep each night, and as the family glue, five hours is barely holding me together.
This morning, I screamed. I cried. I swore – a lot. Then everyone else seemed to fall a part. We could not think straight and I could not get out the door. By noon we were on our way. Grandma asked to be left behind, and by the time we came to get her, she thought we may have forgotten her. Confusing. Traveling creates confusing communication.
Earlier today, Dave, the boys and I landed in the Forest of Dean. We saw a gaggle of Peregrine Falcon bird watchers as Eli lost it. Eli is amazing, that kid. In that moment, he had it. Dave pulled him aside. They sat on a bench and talked for a very long time. We started walking the long way down to the river, and I talked to him. He was an angry cat hissing and mad. He is tired. He is out of his comfort zone. He does not comprehend his grandma. The two of them fight like two years olds. He lost it and somehow in this moment of losing it, he helped us all reconnect. Thank God for that amazing boy. I love my son.
Backing up a second. When I was melting down this morning, I reminded Dave, “Hey, I am flexible. This may not be where I want to be, but I can make it work. I just need some encouragement. Damn it, I need a cheerleader!” I’ve said this to Dave before and in this crazy moment I could see again that my words were not connecting.
When Eli lost it, I decided to be a cheerleader for Eli. Honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about Dave and what I had said. When Eli firmly stated, “I want to go home – now,” I knew that going home was not possible. I did know, however, that I could support him. I needed to cheer my boy on and so I did. I listened. I asked. I heard how mad he was. I was annoyed to, but it wasn’t about me. I am the mom and in this moment that is what I needed to be. We spent the next few hours hiking, hearing how much we suck, and mostly high-fiving Eli and of course, Kyle, on. “Yes, Eli, you can have that Kit-Kat, and I am not ashamed to bribe you for your love wink, wink.” Yes, I also said, “wink, wink.” Eli has a wicked sense of humor. It had nothing to do with me giving him treats, or buying his love. It was all about the fact that I heard him. I heard him. Instead of letting him think our trip was a failure, I kept thinking, “how can I help him push through?”
Hey, even I have wanted to fly home or cut and uncomfortable trip short. This will not be the only time in his life than things will be less than comfortable. This will not be the only time that grandma gives him a hard time about how much ice cream he took on a shared dessert. You know, she likes her dessert. How can we push through? I know what works for me. It is simple. It is just knowing someone is there, and that someone knows I am there too. They see me. They hear me. Does that make sense?
And now for today’s bullet points:
Morning: I need someone I can talk to
I need a friend, another woman I can talk too.
Past the white line (Ok. I can’t remember what I was talking about except maybe the road?)
Crying third day in a row
The Forest of Dean
Listening to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Inside jokes and knowing glances with Kyle
One of these days I need to get some sleep.
Bucolic to our hearts content.
Markus, where are you? Biggest collection of bird watchers we have ever encountered looking for Peregrine falcons.
So many tough days.
Eli very upset.
Lessons learned as a parent
Can we buy your love for 70 pence? — that is what we said to the boys after we bought them an ice cream cone.
Footbridge to Wales (we wanted to cross, but didn’t want to take the time.)
Sometimes skirting the border of Wales, “Blurred Lines,” is the perfect song.
Goodrich Castle = good times, really good times.
Finally music SINGING MUSIC OUT loud. I Love singing with the boys. Awesomeness! Joni Mitchell – “A Case of You.” Dave can’t refuse singing.
On the way to Tintern Abbey. The road smells like onions, and now BBQ.
For a few minutes Eli and I lost Grandma, Dad, and Kyle.
“Grand Budapest Hotel” playing tonight in the Tintern Village Hall.
Being here feels like meeting a celebrity or sitting in the from row of the theater. The Abbey is stunning, but no longer trapped in the mind of my imagination.
Fountain Inn, Wales – Love. We ate outside. The owner took our order. His wife cooked our lovely meals. (lots of lovelies), and they grow their own food. Ok and I think everyone in the tiny town eats there.
Dessert craziness. We be getting a little territorial with the ice cream. And I cannot tell you what happened next. It is a secret blood oath Dave and I will always share together.
“Munchies” the dog or at least that what I think his name is, had a basket on his face and was running all over Fountain Inn Restaurant.
Ok about the small town UK roads. Several times today I thought we were going to get hit head-on, by say, a giant Range Rover. It has not happened yet, but totally crazy.
My shameless breakfast. (I can’t even remember why I thought it was shameless.)
Americans really are louder, including me.
People in the UK are full of quiet restraint, and are also in no hurry to say get you your food or your check. We are the rude Americans rushing through our meals, then impatiently waiting to go.
“Swapsies” – said by Chelsea the adorable waitress at our crazy Bates Hotel. Best part of hotel were Markus (front desk) and Chelsea (waitress).
The drive from Hailsham to Beachy Head was rainy, dark, and beautiful.
On our way to Beachy Head here are a few of the songs I was listening to: “Sail,” by Awolnation, and “Dear God,” by XTC. And like my iPod shuffle understood the many broken hearts who had traveled to those chalk cliffs, as we drove away from Beach Head and made our way into Brighton, the Smith’s ,”Sing Me to Sleep,” came on.
Beachy Head in the rain was crazy. Beachy Head is known by locals as a popular place to commit suicide. That is what Markus, the front desk guy told me.
At the chalk cliffs Beachy Head, I met a man from Spain in the rain. Called Dave over to speak Spanish with him. The man told us about Spain. He told us if we ever go, what to see and where it was warm. He told us the places where people speak English the most.
Beachy Head really was full of hope. They were serving homemade Gluten Free cake. Yes, I bought a slice and it was delicious. And the bathroom hand dryers saved the day. I used them to dry my very wet clothes.
We loved the Beachy Head Historic site. Once we finished all we were going to do, Kyle decided he wanted to take a different hike to the top of the cliffs. I went with him and am so glad I did. Of course on the way down, the cold rain began again.
From Beachy Head, we drove to Brighton, which reminded me of an old sea town made new. Kyle and I really like the town.
12:40 PM – is the rain stopping (um, no.)
I like the white Beachy apartment structure in Brighton along the ocean drive.
Brighton Pier
We saw kids in their caps and gowns outside an impressive looking building as we drove into Brighton.
Walking along Brighton Pier, I heard a woman on her cellphone. This is what she said, “Sorry I forgot what a pier was until I looked up Brighton pier.”
My jaded children walking around the rides at Brighton pier, “why are we here?”
They like Prince (the musician) in England. “Purple Rain” was playing at Brighton Pier, and they were playing Prince at the hamburger place in London the other night. I began to sing, “Purple Rain,” as it rained, and the boys asked me to stop just like they did when I was dancing to the other boardwalk music a few minutes before.
We ate at a Vietnamese restaurant in Brighton called, “Pho.” Our waiter, Tom, was completely adorable and joked with me about gnomes. Car
In the crazy traffic, we saw an accident on the side of the highway. I man’s truck was turned upside down. He was sitting on the edge with his hands on his face.
All caps traffic!
The Sun came out around 5:00 PM. Woot!
For a few minutes we were in Wales. Tonight we are staying close to the border, on the English side.
I openly and happily sucked bandwidth for my entertainment during our very long car ride.
Ear Muffs: Here is what I was thinking about on the long car ride. I was thinking about the importance of vacation sex. People should have sex regularly on vacation. If sex is not an option, make sure you are connecting. Human connection keeps things peaceful and together. Reciprocity keeps everyone feeling good, relaxed and validated 😉
Cats were definitely in the cottage we are staying in.
I need to write the stories of these days. These bullet point entries are helping me remember. What a crazy, hard, awesome trip this has been.
(Ok. So I am trying to keep my insane goal of writing everyday on this trip. So far I have. This post was a little sketchy. I promise to return and fill in the spaces a little better. Have a great day. I am going to bed now. Bed meaning a futon on the floor of the room Kyle and Eli are sleeping in. Hilarious travel fun indeed.)
Notes on Today, (because these here notes are working for me). See, I make notes during the day and post them here at night.
Jet lagged. Ok this morning I woke up and felt that awesome hit-by-truck feeling. Somehow it kind of went away. That is a good thing.
Rash. Ok so occasionally and for years I have suffered from a lovely thing my dermatologist and I like to call, “Allergic Dermatitis.” Any fellow sufferers out there will now that the itch is no fun. Thankfully for the British Pharmacy system. Dave and I walked into the pharmacy and came out with the best medicine ever. And seriously on the box it said, “This medicine is specifically used to treat allergic dermatitis.” What the what? No doctor involved, and so far it has worked than anything I have used back home. Ah-hem.
Checking out of hotel: We left our lovely hotel, which was located just a few blocks from the British Museum. We were all sad, and worried it would be downhill. Alas, the new neighborhood rocks (see below), and the new hotel is equally good, if not better.
Texting Carrie at Hampton Court. Ok, so somehow there was wi-fi at Hampton Court. Knowing Henry VIII, I am sure he would not have it any other way. And if one of his wives say protested the interest or was simply ugly it would be off with her head. Anyway, I was able to text Carrie at Hampton Court. She, herself, was in disbelief and asked if I had planned to run into our mutual friend, Robin. Here was my answer: “Yes, Carrie Poulsen, It was really she, Robin.” I still cannot believe I saw Robin and I am still tickled as a really good gluten free cake tastes on Father’s Day.
The Red Elk in Hotel Number One: I was thinking about the giant Red Elk statue that was sitting on a large ottoman in the lobby of our first hotel. Dave and I think it is the same Red Animal sculptor who made the giant stag we saw in the lobby of our Geneva hotel a couple of years ago. What a fantastic gig that giant animal sculptor has, right?
BM is short for British Museum. Need I say more? I am glad I said this or perhaps you may think I am talking about something else.
Breakfast: While Dave ordered English breakfast at this lovely Italian café we think is owned by Greeks, Kyle and I ran back to the British Museum to see the Chinese Antiquities exhibit our friend recommended. The exhibit did not disappoint nor did the breakfast. In Dave’s own words, “It was a high quality breakfast. The bacon was good.”
Alarms at the BM: Ok so when Kyle and I were at the British Museum we went to enter the room where we thought we needed to be. Someone had set off the alarms. We were not sure what that meant. Was there a thief in the museum’s midst? We never found out. We were not allowed in the room. Kyle, my super guide, recalculated our route and we were on our way only to be stopped by someone who wanted me to take their picture. Of course I obliged. In the distance I noticed a film crew. Wait. Maybe that is what the alarms were about? I would like to think it was. And in the room we could not enter, today I would like to think that Sting was inside.
Smurf Gummies: I found the Smurf Gummies and we all fought over Papa Smurf. There were so many Smurfettes, which seems kind of odd, because she was the only Girl Smurf I remember.
Resorting to headphones: Sometimes long trips require you to pull out your headphones and play some good music. Today was that day. My (current) Jam: Damian Rice’s whiny version of Radiohead’s “Creep,” Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Robin Thicke’s, “Blurred Lines,” because no shame & KCRW’s “Sounds Eclectic” mixes (there are many albums), because a little mix is always good.Travel Tip #37: sometimes a day with headphones is exactly what you need. Namaste!
It started to rain while we were in the gardens at Hampton Court. Kyle had a “meltdown” (fake meltdown, that is) about how his Hampton-Court-Garden-Experience was ruined because it was no longer raining. We took cover in the Casear room (I am sure that is not its actual name) when the rain stopped. The kids were bickering, Dave was sour and I was grumpy. That is when I pulled out an old standard: The make-everyone-say-something-nice-about-every-person-in-our-family game and I did.
While looking for Dave’s mom, Dave called out to the wrong grandma.
Pigeon announcement at the Train Station: Wherever you go and if there are pigeons, I am sure there will always be an announcement about not feeding them. Todays’ Hampton-Court-Train-Station announcement also cautioned that we would become very sick if we touched one of those crazy rat birds.
Pret a Manger: We had dinner there and it’s not bad when you are in a hurry.
Arcade games: We used our London Pass to play arcade games. Really Dave and Eli played this really long alien shooter game, adding tokens when whomever lost all of their health. Then we play a game of crazy air hockey, which involved copious amounts of neon colored pucks.
Disadvantages of sitting close at the London Plays. As Dave stated, “The disadvantage of sitting in row 2 is that you can see the underwear of the entire cast.” Agreed.
The dudes rating the play were funny. I am talking about the three guys, who were walking up the stairs in front of me after the play. They were not only rating the play we saw tonight, they were rating all of the plays. I believe “The “Producers” was their favorite with a nine out of ten with “Book of Mormon, the Musical,” with a vacillating eight and a half to nine.
Our second hotel is in a great neighborhood. I think the neighborhood is called, “SoHo,” or better, “The West End.” We are apparently close to Coventry Street and after seeing, “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” tonight we walked through Covent Garden, which is supposed to be totes awesome. Dave just discovered that there is a Shake Shack in Covent Garden, which he plans on visiting tomorrow.
And speaking of both “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” and “Jersey Boys,” (the play my mother-in-law took us to ), I now feel completely comfortable taking the boys to see “Book of Mormon, the Musical.”
Overly cooked: that would be our boys. Like a crazy revved up engine racing down the street, once in bed, they revved higher and would not stop. Once I stopped talking (ignored them), however, and turned off the lights, it took exactly hree minutes for them to drop. Huzzah!
In full competitive form Kyle is “fake” sleep talking tonight. I love my boys.
Ok so Dave and the boys are sleeping after a very long day. I am slightly neurotic about keeping my made-while-extremely-jet-lagged goal to write. And with myself, I am also little disturbed. When I woke up this morning I thought, “what have I gotten myself into? Really? Beth, what were you thinking? You have no time for this and will anyone read? And do you want to share this with the world?” Nevertheless, if I do not write tonight I know my goal will quickly go down in flames. And thanks to Andrea, I know at least one person is ready. Thank you for stroking my vanity 😉
Again, forgive my lame and rushed editing. I will be up front and say that this post is close to phoning it in. That said, I think or I hope you will get a gist of our day.
This morning I also thought, “if I am going to do this, I should take some notes.” Here they are. We must check out of this hotel in the morning or I would write more.
Most harrowing part of the day: following Dave and the boys while riding rental bikes through London. Eli and I were almost hit by a bus twice. The second time I literally pushed Eli and his bike onto the curb so we both could get out of the path of the bus that was about to run us over. Ay-yi-yi!
Serendipitous part of the day: Running into my friend Robin on the streets of London.
Most comforting part of the day: lunch at the Kensington Whole Foods. The fresh beans were beyond the beyond.
My goals for today written down before we hit the road.
Be nice
Last word
Don’t argue
Listen
Notes written along the way.
Barclays bikes
Biking through Hyde Park to the Kensington Whole Foods
“I swear someone called us a wanker.”
Maple Bacon Popcorn
Almost hit by a bus — twice (during the best of the day and we survived)
Keeping the peace
Busy streets
Large Starbucks cups. (he he) – because they are half the size of US Starbucks cups
Tea cheaper in England. Of course.
Eli’s well earned meltdown
Tower of London: least favorite tower I have been to. Sorry England.
Ditching Dave, or so he says [wink wink]
The Collar of Torment
The dragon and yesterday’s best dragon quote said by a complete stranger. (“Frodo is dragon,” said by a man dressed as a dragon.)
Trip plans broken in the cab. How do I answer when the answer is uncomfortable?
Phone ringing in the Tower of London. I said, “Kyle, answer the phone. It is for you.” Then people waited for him to answer.
Eli initiating a staring contest with the Tower of London guard (with the big furry hat) and the guard giving me the slightest wink and a smile when they were through. High fives.
“Oh What a Night” ending of Jersey Boys
I’m glad I apologized to Dave. He’s a good one.
Seeing Robin across the street after taking a picture of the street marking that read, “Look right.”
Spicy Indian Food, bangles and sugar cube candy
Eli walking with me and telling me what he wants to be when he grows up: a video game designer, a video game tester/architect or a photographer. Great kid. Love that he is thinking about the future.
Short walk with Dave. Buying crazy drinks in a tiny market, dropping the yogurt on the floor and feeling connected.
Crappy Hotel Internet
Bloomsbury and the Bloomsbury group. Was Ezra Pound the author who decided not to be a part of the Bloomsbury group?
PS Eli is currently sleep talking. Here is what he just said, “When we go to Hollister, we have to bring a flashlight and a mattress.” No, I did not make this up. Best end of the day, by the way.
This is a variation on a phrase that Eli has uttered while awake: “If you go to Hollister, you need to take a flashlight and a gas mask.”
Disclaimer: I promise to edit this again after I get a good night’s sleep. Cross your fingers that it is tonight.
Usually my Frequent Flyer is upgraded to Fancy Class. Here he is slumming it with me so Kyle could get some sleep on the Lie Flat Bed. Yay, Dave!
Ok, as I sit, indisposed, with my laptop in my lap, I know I should be sleeping. Alas, several hours ago, and I am certain, less than twenty-four, I had this crazy thought. Why don’t you blog every day of your trip? You travel a lot. You like to travel and you like to write. Yes, I am that person that when I make a commitment, I really cannot break it. My over-sense of responsibility, not failing or whatever, has me sitting here now.
I should be sleeping and shortly I will be. I should edit this a few times before going to bed. My brain won’t allow either. So here I sit in my dark London hotel room bathroom. I call this old school blogging. You know, just writing stuff, posting it online, and thinking that no one really reads it. Time and internet speeds have changed and blogs are something I no longer know. I don’t even know if people blog, but really that is not what this post is about. It is about London: Day One.
Yesterday. 10:46 AM. San Francisco Airport, United Lounge.
The boys and I have been up most of the night. I am fighting to stay awake. Our flight to London leaves in two hours. I figured I should start journaling again. I like looking back and remembering. Yes, life goes super fast and yes, it is nice to stop and take it all in. It is kind of a pain writing, because I am so tired. To my right, sitting closer to the window, is Eli. He is suffering from either the fourth or sixth case of the hiccups in the last few hours. I feel bad for the kid. We keep teasing him about his mullet. See, the other day I finally took the boys in for trims. The specific instruction to the stylist was: “No mullets.” I begged her to cut an extra half inch off and Eli still has mullet hair. I promised to fix his hair once we arrive in London. Ah, London, I was just telling the boys. [PS it is more than twenty-four hours after I wrote this paragraph and Eli’s hair still is more party in the back. I am hoping some sleep will solve the issue or at least not make my hand so shaky when I trim his hair with my nail scissors – of course I am not kidding.)
Big Ben, London, England
“Who wants to go exploring with me?” Dave says from across the tiny United Lounge table. “I do.” As Kyle stands up, immediately unplugging his cellphone. Tethered like an umbilical cord, he cannot be without this lifeline. I encourage him to plug his cellphone back in the charger. As I begin to talk, I notice that Kyle’s grey shorts are covered in powdered sugar. He’d been eating donut holes. I interrupt myself and ask, “hey, wipe that white stuff off.” I insist. Wiping his hands in broad strokes across his legs Kyle responds, “See, It’s magic –all gone.”
Why I started journaling today is that I wanted to capture these moments. How many months will I remember Eli’s fancy mullet? Will Kyle always be tethered to his phone? Will he be ok without it? Yes, the years remaining with Kyle and Eli are much too short. Remembering seems to make it last. See, I hold these moments in words, because really that is what I have. Pictures and words are what we all have.
Kyle and Eli will have families – I hope. And I hope that I do not become the proverbial crazy mother-in-law. I can get pretty crazy so I am hoping the boys and I can ebb and flow into a beautiful and well communicated adult relationship. It is coming too soon. I want them to grow up and be the best men they can be and I want to find a way to stay close. Yes, what does this have to do with our trip? I will tell you. It’s about jet-lag, sleep deprivation, hours on planes, and boys telling you they can’t sleep because you asked them to. And following those words up with, “If you had not said anything, MOM, I would sleep.” I shut up and thank God about ten minutes later that same son was gently snuggling up to me. I love sitting in the middle, grabbing stuff, holding pillow and empty ginger ale cans.
A few minutes before now:
My laptop battery is about to die. And just moments ago a sign was shown to me that I need some sleep. I was trying to be all responsible and get all 1800 of our portable electronic devices properly charged. As I was trying to plug the second European adapter in to its special European outlet, once in the little outlet holes, the adaptor wiggled and then bounced down the back of the television cabinet, through a hole int the back of the cabinet, into the cabinet, and behind the hotel refrigerator. Don’t ask. After moments of frustration, with me encouraging Dave (also jet lagged) with the following phrase: “the word no simply reminds me that there is an opportunity,” Dave could not resist my self-help-charm and he tried one more time. Go Little Engine that Could. You may huff and puff, but you will get up the mountain or perhaps blow that house in. Dave did even better. He moved the credenza (the very cabinet that he swore five times was nailed to the hotel room floor) and dislodged the adaptor. High Fives, Dave! Adaptor now in his sore hand Dave admonished, “Really, find another place to plug this in.”
As if.
Everyone is fast asleep. My jet lags need to be re-set so I must go.
Day One of blogging London is complete. Goodnight or better, enjoy your lunch people in the US.
At the Ahwahnee. Stick figure made by Dave. Changed into a woman by me.
Heading east. Heading home. Writers we met along the way were all female writers. Kyle tells me we need to write a book together. I am convinced I need to write. He wants us to share our story, his story. We should. I like that he wants to share it together.
Looking into the flat, dark night, I think about our day. Fighting is all we did. We’ve been fighting a lot, dying on swords for patterns we hope to break. Eli freaked out. Kyle pestered. I screamed. Dave screamed once and then remained quiet. Wrapped into the backs, forths, up and downs of our uncertain day, Dave made lunch reservations at Yosemite’s lovely and grand Ahwahnee Hotel. I did not know they close at 2:00 p.m. “How on earth would we not be in Yosemite by 1:00 p.m.?” That was Dave’s complaint.
Our Super Hero Boys climbing over Yosemite’s Giant Rocks
In the enormous expanse of granite peaks and giant redwood trees I felt small. We were little action figures, really superhero action figures, and we were working our way through the dollhouse that is Yosemite National Park. My super power is still hearing and Dave’s, well, I will ask him. I am back in Utah editing my post. It is Monday morning and he is sitting next to me. Surprisingly his “current” super power is close to mine. He looks over at me and sweetly says, “listening.” “Listening?” I ask and then because his power appears to be so close to mine, I look back at him and laugh. “Listening to someone talk about their friends and all of their friends’ problems. Listening.” Dave responded and I laughed again.
Back in the car: I am writing while listening to music. I’m always listening to music. I should have been today. These headphones could have prevented the angry, sad and nonsensical words that were hemorrhaging from my lips. The Avett Brothers, that is what I am listening to. Their new album, The Carpenter. Eli reaches his hand up. I think he wants to hold mine. Letting go he begins tapping, tapping fervently on my head then my shoulder. Fear filled, I remove the headphone from one ear. “I am not ready to re-enter that world. I am not ready to listen to the narrator’s voice on Disc 3, Track 2, read another word of the “Beyonders.” My headphones are keeping me safely tucked away in the sweet melodies. “I have been homesick for you since we met. I have been homesick for you blah, blah, blah if I die, its for you,” the tapping wont stop and the headphone is removed.
“Mom, can I use my iPod?” Eli asks and as if they had written their very own, (sing with me), “Mom, can I use my iPod,” song together, Kyle really, without missing a beat, then asked, “Mom, can I use mine too?”
They knew they had me. They know I want some space. I said, “yes,” and started handing said iPods over my seat while Eli stated firmly, “Mom, that is Kyle’s!” I kept passing those electronic babysitters/fight inducers back and encouraged them to work it out. “Eli, Take yours and pass Kyle’s to him.”
As I get farther along in this Avett Brothers album I am feeling lukewarm. I have sped through a few songs and hung onto a few others. If only I could have pushed pause on those moments. I was losing my mind or completely fast-forwarded through my less-than-lady-like language. I hate swearing in front of my kids and as hard as I try not to, I do.
El Capitan, Yosemite National Park (Yes, there are climbers on that rock!)
Eli melted down hard at El Capitan. Before the collateral damage was too great, I walked him, while holding his upper arm, to the car. I can’t blame him. His mom and dad were not being especially nice, and when I say not nice, I mean that Dave and I were not being nice to each other. As I think about Eli and our El-Capitan-incident, I also remember how insane I thought those rock climbers were as I stood and watched while they scaled El Cap’s 3,500 feet. I wanted to take pictures and Dave wanted to drive on. He wanted to see the sun set at the top. I did not know that. I just knew he wanted to go. In those short seconds of meltdowns and miscommunications, I thought I might lose my mind. Instead, I took a breath, made space for Eli, and once near the car I stopped Eli. I did what my mom has always told me to do, “Even if they push back, even if they are mad, don’t. Don’t let them push you away. You hug them. You hold them close.” I felt Eli relax in my arms, where he safely looked into my eyes, and told me why I suck. I listened. I apologized, told him that I thought we both had made some big mistakes today and I was sorry. I held him close. His eyes are so blue and the late afternoon sun pierced those blue eyes into my heart. I looked at him and heard my mom say, “You are the mom. Don’t let them push you away. Hold them close.” I held him close and have not stopped. Since this moment Eli and I are better. We’ve been talking about grizzly Halloween costumes, and at least six times a day he says, “Mom, I love you!” Thank God for that kid.
Eli let go and we both walked. Only a few more steps and we were at the car, where Eli immediately slipped, and because our car was parked at such a severe angle, his door bounced back and slammed hard on his legs. “I hate this!” He shrieked. He struggled his way in the car, where he desperately tried to shove his head deep under a pillow. He took a deep breath and then sobbed, “We should have stayed home! I mean it! I know we should have stayed home.”
Out of my seat I maneuvered the crazy-way-our-car-was-parked-angle, and made my way to Eli. Safely in the car, I shut his door and made my way back. “Boys, give me your iPods. I think we all need a break.” And somewhere between losing their iPods and Eli’s meltdown Kyle shared, “Mom, I need more music on my iPod. I really like “Green Day.” They totally calm me down.” Flashbacks of my older sister Brenda blaring, I mean, blaring songs like Led Zeppelin’s Blackdog, “Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove,” I didn’t see it coming. Eli seems like our Green Day kid. Kyle? Is it all of our fighting? Is Green Day his teenage right-of-passage, which will hopefully lead him into the alternative and easy-listening music of Adulthood? Will Green Day bring him to Feist or The XX or maybe even Coldplay? My twelve year old is listening to Green Day for relaxation and somehow I think it is my fault.
Dave and I are great partners, but somehow today we threw ourselves down the rabbit hole. We left El Cap and headed east-ish toward the Tioga Pass, stopping at a, and I am not kidding, $5.49 a gallon gas station. Dave was hoping for some caffeine and before I could get out of the car he was on his way back. “it’s closed.” I got out anyway and asked Kyle to stay in. Eli was now snoring. Really. I even told him later on, “You snored. You know that sound Wawa makes? That’s what you did,” and then I promptly made the noise [insert swallowing, snorting noise here] so we were clear. We both laughed and he seemed a little proud of his great snoring snort.
Out of the car I looked at Dave and said, “This isn’t good. I think the boys are acting crazy because you and I are fighting.” he agreed. “Are you ok collectively apologizing?” First we told Kyle and once Eli was awake we told him.
Damian Rice’s, “Cold Water” is now playing and as I typed this paragraph’s first seven words, Dave literally almost hit two wild horses in the dark Nevada night. Damian Rice’s mellow serenade is perfect and would have calmed me, even if Dave had hit those horses. Thank God he didn’t. Oh thank God!
We left the gas station, gaining elevation as the sun began to set. “If we had been twenty minutes earlier we could have seen it set on Half Dome,” Dave said and I heard his disappointment. Along the way I realized I was missing something and then I said as much, “Dave, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not appreciate how important it is for you to maximize your days off.” I knew Dave was feeling discouraged and that traveling with me was for the birds. We kept driving and I kept thinking.
Seconds after the lady asked if she could take our picture we took this & yes, we are “Facebook Happy,” if you know what I mean?
I thought of the lady who offered to take our picture when we were on our Yosemite Hike. She asked and I responded with such disturbing laughter I believe I hurt her feelings. I saw her down the way and apologized, “it’s been a hard day and I would have loved for you to take our picture. Thank you for offering.”
Dave wasn’t talking much. I think that’s what guys do when there really isn’t any more to say. I wanted to make it through the other side of this. I heard words I have been told before, “You fight for your marriage! There is no autopilot, ever! You see things from their perspective. You back down and then you fight some more.” I took another breath and apologized for our rotten day. Insecurely I asked him, “are you still in — even a little bit?” he said, “a little bit.” I don’t know if he was being literal, sweet or funny, but I took it. I talked about how when the boys were young he always took them to the pool while I was getting ready and now when we travel we do all boy/men things and I never take a minute to decompress or shop or drink a green tea without a, “MOM, Mom, can we go? Mom, mom, I want to leave. We are SOOOO bored!” I can’t go with the boys without them fighting and many of our current trips consist of Dave working and me 24-7 testosterone managing. I think Dave heard me because he seemed more relaxed. I asked him if he did and he said, “yes,” in a very nice way. I reminded him that it goes both ways. We need to make space for each other and for each other’s priorities and then I think we can travel better.
We left it at that and stopped. Dave pulled into the backside of a look out point. Immediately my eye saw a woman in a pink jacket. She smiled. Kyle, Dave and I got out of the car, walked up to the edge and then walked further to get a better view. Eli, who had been sleeping, woke up and made his way. As we walked back to the car the lady in the pink jacket’s (Stacey) boyfriend asked me, “where in Utah are you from?” We talked canyons and the awesome hippie gas station just south of Boulder, UT. Dave walked up, Eli got back in the car and Kyle entered our conversation. I started talking to Stacey. I needed to talk to Stacey. Immediately we connected, “sometimes I just do not care what rock formation we are looking at,” I said to which she laughing responded, “Seriously. Monoliths. He wants me to understand every little canyon and geologic formation.” We were laughing so hard I was crying. I was relaxing and oh thank God she was there. “As Dave and my boys get older I feel less in touch with them and all of their man-ness. I am this alien female creature trying to communicate with three dudes. They have no idea what to do with me. It’s lonely and sometimes I just need a moment to catch my breath. How many Sci-Fi-Fantasy-Books-on-tape can one mom listen to or tune out?” She understood and even said something like, “they just don’t get it, but women do. I am glad I am here.” I was glad too. Thank goodness for the overlook, sun gone or not.
At the Look out Point and this is literally the moment Easy E stumbled out of the car to catch up with us.
We exchanged emails and stories. She shared her favorite books and by the time Dave made his way back to me, after walking straight into a pole first (ouch and yes, blood), of course he had one read one of the books too.
We are not perfect. We are scarred, flawed. I swear and yes, I have to tell Dave exactly what I want for Christmas, pick it out online and put it in a shopping cart. He does the same for me. It helps. It’s not easy being married. It is not easy being a family. Friday, October 19, 2012, it was not easy being on the road. I don’t blame Eli for wanting to go home. I am understanding and respecting Dave’s silence and totally get Kyle’s newly acquired Green Day need. I, well, I couldn’t turn my mouth off and even suggested I have my vocal chords removed so I would shut up already. Kyle immediately said and then Dave, “but you have a lovely singing voice.” (Those words meant the world to me.)
We made it through. We fought our way to the other side. Once over the
Tioga Pass, which parallels the Donner, by the way, we did not starve, we were not stuck in snow with know way out until spring and mostly we did not have to eat each other. Although there were moments when I would have.
