Category: Family

The Summary: I am NOT AN IDIOT!

by CrazyUsFamily / People I know / Where Do I belong?10 Comments on The Summary: I am NOT AN IDIOT!

. . . So now here I sit in one of the many Salt Lake City Starbucks. My boys are down in Salt Lake City attending an afternoon art class. By the way, they LOVE it! Eli is making his very own two-sided ugly doll and Kyle is making a leather snake in honor of one very special baby Copperhead. Because this post has taken months to write, here I really sit at my kitchen island. Both boys are in bed asleep, Dave is at the computer slurping down a bowl of cereal, booking flights to Mexico. Ok, here is where I really sit. I am upstairs in my office. The sun is shining on my laptop and I am laughing out loud because Busy Mom found her debit card and finding her debit card is a call for treats. All I can think about is walking to the kitchen and slicing myself a giant piece of Gluten Free Cake. It is taking every ounce of self-control to remain at the keyboard.

For the past year in fits, starts and good intentions, I have been trying to re-launch my blog. Probably the biggest set back was Kyle’s long battle with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. I have mentioned that we almost lost Kyle and that Kyle almost lost his eyesight. His eyes still give him trouble and his immune system is still not great. Just last week he had Strep Throat, Hand Foot & Mouth and an ugly Staph Infection on his upper thigh. Our journey is not over. And today, because Kyle was in the hospital exactly one year ago, this is a very tender time for us. In the coming weeks I will share our journey. While Kyle was sick we also learned very quickly that there just is not enough information out there about Stevens Johnson’s Syndrome and its lingering effects. I hope to change that, even a little.

In June when we started to accept that Kyle was going to be ok, my body decided to crash. One day I had a sinus infection. Two weeks later I had a miserable case of Pneumonia. I have never been that afraid for my own health. When your breathing is compromised, that is so freaking scary. I decided once again that crazyus.com could wait and that I needed to get myself well.
I spent the summer doing just that.

Stevens Johnsons Syndrome
Stevens Johnsons Syndrome
Kyle's Stevens Johnson Syndrome
Kyle’s Stevens Johnson Syndrome
Stevens Johnson Syndrome
Stevens Johnson Syndrome

Look at it this way. This is my story to tell.

So of course, I am grateful. I am for those people who will always hold a big space in my heart, like my lifers like Marianne and Melanie, like my Park City bestie, Beth, and my flip-flop wearing pal, MB. Thank you!  I have learned a lot. I am light. I am dark. I am not perfect. I am grateful and happy to be at it again.

We are good, not Facebook-Status-Picture-Perfect good, but really behind-the-scenes, good. The boys are well into the school year and I am ready to rumble. For now I will leave you with a quote my friend Stacey told me earlier today after discussing how we can help our boys navigate this crazy world. It’s a little sappy and I love it! Thank you Dr. Seuss!:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

― Dr. Seuss

 

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I’m an idiot Part 3: Dooce and Crazyus

by CrazyUsArchives / Family / Health / mommy blogs / People I know24 Comments on I’m an idiot Part 3: Dooce and Crazyus
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I’m an idiot Part 3: Dooce and Crazyus

 

 

The idiocy of this post. Here is deal. When I decided I wanted to actively blog again, a well-known blogger told me the following:

“Beth, if you ever wanted to become something again, or even be excepted into the blogging community,  you owe your public an explanation. They need to know what happened between you and Dooce.”

The ridiculousness of it all, is that for some reason I feel like I  (owe you an explanation, that is). Hmmm. Still working on that.

So . . .

Here is my first conundrum, and probably why I find blogging a most paralyzing situation. See, I have not been sure what to say or how to say it. Likewise, I feel weird sharing. I am also terrified of the backlash. I have experienced gas-lighting, and it ain’t fun.

That being said, it is true. For me, 2006 was horrific! My fertility was heartbreaking, my late miscarriage nearly ended me, and dealing with the rise of the mommy-blog-nation FREAKED me out.

Instead of pushing back, or holding my ground, I fell apart. I make no excuses. I am a real human being. Fertility hormones are crazy. Late miscarriages suck! Dealing with other mommies (in such a new and public way) was difficult (at best). Was it hard for you?

Many folks in the blog world understandably associate me (or long ago did [wink wink]) with Dooce and her wildly successful website, DOOCE DOT COM.  Of course they do. For a time, Dooce often chose to write about me and my family in a public format. That is it. In private-friendship world, I would not chose to air this story. BECAUSE this WAS NOT a private friendship, I feel compelled to address it publicly.  And because the world’s most famous and most successful mommy blogger chose to write about me, my husband and my sons, I feel obligated. Isn’t that weird? I think it is.

I also think that is why I am feeling the pressure now. Dooce can remove the posts about me from her website (has she?), and I can take my blog down (I did), YET those posts will always exist — somewhere.

I keep trying to wrap my head around it and to push myself through it.  I also realize that Dooce has written about many, many people.  I think it is her formula and it is brilliant — drama online (where she casts herself in the role of victim). Her relationship talk completely draws the reader in. I think at some point I ceased being a human to her and  simply became character in her online story. And for a time, she often wrote about her BFF, Beth of crazyus.com.  I was on display and I was not certain what to do with all of it, would you?

I hope you will cut me some slack.  I don’t think many people in the industry have. Yes, I benefited from the light Dooce cast on me, but I also have felt the dark and uncomfortable shadow of my association with her.  See, because she publicly wrote regularly about me, when Dooce had an opinion, my world assumed I thought the same.  Behind the scenes it was different.  I was always walking on eggshells, fearing that I would upset her. I always did. It was absolutely crazy. I have never had a friendship quite like this. I could do no right. It was creepy. I learned and felt her cold and unforgiving wrath: no one crosses dooce.

Oddly now and because she wrote about me, and because people still associate me with her,  I feel (and have been told) that I owe you an explanation. Do I? I am not sure. What I do know is that our relationship was prominent in a public forum, so maybe the public is where it needs to be worked out. Thoughts?

Of course my foray into blogging and dooce’s super world was strange. And by strange I mean exhilarating, fun, weird, and horrible. And yes, I liken this particular friendship to a low-rent form of Oprah talking publicly about her friend, Gayle. However, there is one big difference. When Oprah and Gayle fight, they seem to work it out. In contrast, Dooce and I had a falling out. The end. Then I took my blog down, and you never heard form me again.  Here is what I got out of it. A former neighbor of both mine and Heather’s told me this:

“Beth, Heather is telling everyone you up and moved to Park City because of her.”

First, I have no idea if his gossip was true, but it makes a great story, doesn’t it? Second, what the what? We were building a house for two years before I took my blog down. Ah, but third, the actual truth is not dramatic. And we mommy bloggers love the drama, don’t we? It is more compelling for people to hear that I ran and hid from dooce than my actual realty:  I moved and was sad because I had a late miscarriage. I chose to get myself healthy and took my blog down to focus on my dudes and to cope with my sorrow. Well, I would have been smart if I did run and hide, but that just isn’t true.

Likewise, after I moved,  I assume you never heard Heather talk about her BFF friend, Beth again.  But because she talked about me publicly before I took my blog down, and because people keep asking (publicly and privately), I keep feeling (like my blogger friend suggested) that I owe you something.

So I ask you,

“Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel an obligation to you?”

[insert soothing, gentle and peaceful chorus here] MY ANSWER: At this point I believe history has adjusted reality. I do not think any of this really matters, does it? In some ways it really doesn’t.

Then again…Wait. It kind of does. I, not, you, have suffered the extreme dark-side of Heather’s anger. As a result of falling on the wrong side of dooce, I have been shunned, ostracized, lost opportunities, called an embarrassment, someone who invaded her life, a kiss-ass trying to earn favor with dooce, blah, blah, blah. For instance, I love how common friends say that she and I are only friends because of blogging, omitted the long history Heather and I share. I am continually contacted regarding her. Recently I was told where she lives and asked if I could go and take pictures of her trash can. Another friend emailed me to lecture me on her divorce.  As far as I know, she refuses to make amends with anyone she gets angry at. In contrast and from my own experience, when you make amends, you have to look at yourself. I like to tell myself that she cannot look at herself because it would be too much. If she did make amends with all the bridges she burns, she may collapse, or better, may actually heal, forgive and realize that we can share the world together, that we are all cool, troubled and of value.  I have no idea, but perhaps thats the zone she thinks she needs to exist in for her success. It does make me sad. I really liked her way back when. I am a good and loyal friend. I was a good and loyal friend to her. It is too bad that stupid neighbors and stupid internet people perverted our relationship. It sucks that so many folks tried to use me to get close to her. It totally is lame that she can trust me for the person I am. Why can she write so openly and not give the rest of us the same platform? I never quite got it. I did not like she constantly telling me that she was convinced that I thought she was the bane of my existence. Sorry for using the word, “retarded,” here, but that is just retarded (very foolish or stupid). Really.

Moving forward, taking deep breaths, and oh thank God — I am glad I am here where I am now. I am grateful for what I have learned. I forgive myself for not getting it.Who did? Blogging was new. I never anticipated I would be walking in those particular shoes.I only wish I wasn’t such a pussy. I am learning to be better about standing up for myself instead of letting myself get caught up in the crazy.

Now I live in Park City. When we moved here I did not know a soul. It was terrifying and exciting. I did not have to talk about my blog so I didn’t.  Consequently, no one I see has any idea that I blogged or that I knew Dooce. People here care about skiing, raising an Olympian, money, age prevention and exercise. And if they do know who Dooce is, they do not know she was ever my friend. Here, I am known as Kyle and Eli’s mom, Dave’s wife. We are known as the family who built the green house next to Rob’s. We are the family that took our kids to Hippie Pre-School, and the crazy family who travels the world. These days the fact that Kyle nearly died and was bitten by a copperhead snake is what people in our offline world want to talk about.  Of course, it has been nice.

Here it is. If you want to read my stuff, I would love to have you. I am inconsistent. I no longer know dooce. I am certain she no longer wants to know me. Yes, we still have several close friends in common. And yes, I think it is bizarre. I would think by now that we could move past this. I have. I sent her a letter when Kyle was sick. I have sent good wishes her way. Namaste even to her. Seriously, I can’t give this situation any more power (if that makes sense).  And because I am an eternal optimist, I hope everything will once again be right in this world (yes, including a peaceful resolution with Heather). That being said and because I am getting way too old to believe in happy endings, know that I am not holding my breath.

 

PS I may keep rewriting this post until the end of time. I am ok with that. That was one crazy ass time of life!

 

[to be continued]

part 1: blogher 2006

part 2: 5 year run down

Part 4: the summary

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i’m an idiot Part 2: The Super Brief 5 Year Run Down

by CrazyUsFamily / People I know19 Comments on i’m an idiot Part 2: The Super Brief 5 Year Run Down

 

Since the time I left Blogher and we sold our Salt Lake City house and moved to Park City, Utah, a lot has happened.  It would be impossible to give you the full run down here and now, especially considering this is a small piece which is part of  a larger post.  I will also promise that this Part 2 of my “I’m an Idiot,” post will sound very much like a holiday letter. Forgive me now.

To give you a little five-year-time-lapse flavor, here is what I can say. Since leaving the blog arena and while taking our young sons to people-watch during the Sundance Film Festival January 2007 on Park City Main Street, a crowd of Sundance Goers pushed Eli into oncoming traffic on Park City’s Main Street trying to take camera phone pictures of Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. (He  was standing right next to us, yet he wasn’t even in a movie that year! [insert shakes fists] oh Sean John why couldn’t you say something?)  I attended a Hillary Clinton fundraiser, where I was supposed to meet Bill Clinton. Instead, my friend Alan Dayton and I were locked in the basement of this fabulous mansion (movie producer’s home) and had to hop the exterior wall to escape.  That is a whole other story and a really good story at that.   Obama became president. The first iPhone came out, an iPhone that hilariously the residents at DC Children’s Hospital were much more interested in than my son who had just been bitten by a copperhead snake; and then Steve Jobs died.

I have had at least ten more miscarriages. The worst one was literally while standing in our friend’s camper one cold, rainy morning in Capital Reef National Park and continued at a truck stop bathroom on our drive home. Fertility will always be my puzzle to solve and as of yet, I am no closer to figuring things out.

Of course you know or would have to be living under a rock that there was a very large March 2011 earthquake in Japan. What you probably do not know is that terrible earthquake was just a week after Dave was in Singapore (he had a stopover in Japan both ways).

We continue to travel and I continue to fantasize about where I will travel next. We continue our Southern Utah love and have visited there more than I can count. I flew to Europe for the very first and then the very second time.  I stood at the base of Mont Blanc and spent the night with Dave biking the streets of London  — breathtaking and fabulous! I have now been to almost all of the Hawaiian Islands, Kauai three times. I saw Maine for the first time and Mexico for the second.  There was 2008 – 09 where we decided to buy a Disneyland Season Pass, which of course meant we had to go to Southern  Cailfornia a lot!  And somehow, even without a Disneyland pass, we happily made it to Washington DC a lot too.  San Francisco made it into our travel plans and we visited the spectacular Alcatraz Island and run into the amazing ladies we met in Hawaii. What a crazy awesome world this is!  Dave and I travled Sante Fe & Taos, NM for our ten year anniversary followed by Portland, OR for eleventh. Driving from Park City, UT – Minneapolis, MN in the summer of 2010 has to be one of my favorites: Pregnant Meth Addicts in Nebraska, the Black Hills, The Deadwood Cemetery, Wall Drug, Lake Harriet, and going home. Minnesota, I love you (no matter what Kim Kardashian says)!

Four years ago I broke my nose and it is still giving me grief and then I  broke my foot.  I would be remiss to mention that Dave had ten stitches in his forehead somewhere in there. Dave is working at a very cool new job, well, a job he has had for two years. Eli tried and tried and tried and finally learned to ride a bike and now he is a most accomplished mountain biker.  This summer at his a crazy hippie art class, in a flash, he learned to crochet and make the most awesome beaded crochet jewelry. And just last spring Eli organized the most amazing Pogo Stick Routine for the school talent show. I have yet to meet a kid who pogos like Eli.

Kyle has had a very difficult time these past five years, health wise. He almost died and that does not include the time he was bitten by the snake. Thankfully I was not completely distracted with other issues so I could and continue to be there for him. It has been a hard, completely unexpected journey and we are beyond blessed to still have Kyle. Seriously, Thank God! My father-in-law went into Kidney failure in September 2006 and in December 2010 he finally succumbed to years of poor health. We miss you, Grandpa! My boys also learned to ride a horse, to ski like bad-ass Parkites should, and learned all about Dreamcatchers and talking sticks. Thank you Crazy, Earthy, Lovely Montessori School. Both boys have received nasty elbow injuries at the Dirt Jump Park and still want to go back. I think we can solely attribute their bike love to their dad. Living in Park City has been a gift for Dave. His skiing is amazing and he is mountain biking at least as well and probably better than he did in his twenties. Finally, we really did move into the house my lovely husband built, our Park City home. As I sit here today, Easy E is almost as tall as me and Kyle just started middle school, Ay-yi-yi!

And because I happen to be writing this while sitting in a coffee shop, at this very moment a crazy dude is mumbling and reading over my shoulder. I just looked up at him and he finally walked away. I am having a hard time concentrating. He is looking at a picture above my head and telling the Barista about it. Focus Beth. Focus!

 

[to be continued]

Look for tomorrow’s post: I’m an idiot Part 3: Really

And then the final part: I’m an idiot Part 4: the summary

If you have missed part 1, take a look.

CrazyUs at Blogher 2006

by CrazyUsFamily / People I know17 Comments on CrazyUs at Blogher 2006

 

November 2006

Just yesterday I was looking at my crazyus.com email archives and was completely blown away.  I have not really looked at those emails in years. And honestly I cannot believe how many people took time out of their busy lives to email me.   I feel really grateful.  I do not know if I ever really understood how completely amazing what I had was. The emails were thoughtful, hilarious, empathetic and a few of them were absolutely nuts.  I love them all!  My head was so into a blogging black hole five years ago that I think stepping away ended up being one the best things I ever did.  Back then I just did not see how good I had it or understand what a gift I had been given. Time and perspective are such amazing things.

SO

here it is Autumn 2011 and what happened in late Summer 2006 is way yesterday’s news. If you are reading, you probably know that once upon a time I used to blog. For years I blogged every single day and at the time I decided to stop blogging, I had carved out a pretty cool space for myself. Do I have regrets about walking away? Sure. Am I glad I took a break? Absolutely! It’s such a mixed bag.

Now that I am at it again, I feel that anyone who has stuck with me this long most definitely deserves an explanation. In the next few days I will really and truly try to address why I left blogging, where I was when I left and then over the next few weeks I will try to get you all up to speed.  Please do not hesitate to ask me questions and give me your feedback. Five years is a long time and consequently I have a world brimming with crazy, cool and new stories to tell. I only hope I can keep you interested long enough to hear them.

So

here I was attending Blogher. And deciding to attend Blogher at the very last second could only mean that I was hastily throwing myself into the epicenter of all sorts of confused-social-boundaries, which in turn would be made worse because I, myself, was completely depressed and also most likely the definition of a confused-social-boundary.  Oh Beth! I was in no place to be with a bunch of women, especially women, who like myself, spent their days hyper-analyzing their own lives and the lives of others. There is no one or no thing to blame.  I could have said, “no.”

Once I arrived and walked into the Blogher Arena, (a hotel just a short distance from the San Jose Airport), I knew that I had made a huge and most terrible mistake.   I stood there with sweat droplets accumulating on my upper lip and completely panicked. My panicking only reemphasized the feeling that I had no place being there. Instead of running for the hills (like I should have), with my tears a paralyzed breath from screaming down my face, for some stupid, stupid reason I stayed.

There I was

freaked out and faking calm.  I felt like I should recognize more people. I didn’t and instead I stood mystified, staring at everyone, trying to figure out who they were and consequently, I felt like everyone was staring at me. Of course they were staring at me. We were all in the same boat or better, standing in the same hotel. We all intently wanted to know who the person “really” was behind the screen and if said person also “really” measured up to how they were portrayed.  [Ok, this is not a completely accurate portrayal. Some of these ladies already knew each other.  This was not their first time stepping out from behind their laptop. They were the big sisters in this crazy internet sorority and the simple fact that they seemed a-hell-of-a-lot more comfortable in this atmosphere was something I wished for.]

With a lot of calls to my husband (Thank God for Dave), I somehow mustered my way through the long weekend (in truth, a mere 36 hours), only to make a complete ass out of myself at least five or six times.

Thankfully upon review, I would have to say that there were even a few non-ass-related moments. The very best part of Blogher 2006 was not even Blogher 2006. I skipped most of the seminars, was bored with the rest, was not interested in the parties I attended, and was completely pre-occupied with my recent and most devastating miscarriage. Somehow during all of this, I ended up meeting and then hanging out in the hotel restaurant with Gayla. She definitely started out more business and I liked it.  There was no hidden agenda as to why she was there and because of that Gayla was super easy to talk to and by the end I felt like I could call her a friend, or at least a good internet pal. Gayla reminded me of my groovy, alternative friends I hung out with in high school and college. I loved talking to her about life and not about blogging. That is the truth. She did not seem to care one iota if I was an important blogger or not an important blogger or why I was even there. I bought one of her “You Grow Girl” t-shirts for $25.00. I think that was our conversation opener, “You want to buy a shirt?” We talked plants. That is her thing. Plants and growing them. We also talked San Francisco because San Francisco was right up the street. It was almost as if I had simply met her in the hotel courtyard and we had struck up a conversation over a t-shirt. Oh wait! That is what we did.

(*AUTHOR’S NOTE: GAYLA has a better memory. We met over rice crackers. She saved me because I needed something to eat. The t-shirt came later.)

The other very best part of Blogher 2006 was meeting Jessica. We sat next to each other in some something-or-other seminar and whispered to each other the entire hour. Ok, let me be clear. I am sure there was nothing wrong or boring about the class we were attending. I am and have always been a little ADD and sitting anywhere for long periods is nearly impossible and that weekend sitting still was especially difficult. Thank God for Jessica.  I loved that she knew my background and loved that she could completely relate.  I needed that.  Instead of shh-ing me, I loved that she sat and whispered with me.

Blogher ended, yet, Blogher is not why I ended. I drove myself around a large clover leaf that led me the half mile from the hotel to the airport, hopped on a plane and went home. I cried. I wrote stupid things on my website. I cried some more. I took those stupid writings off of my website. I sobbed. I completely and utterly melted down, fought with all my friends and neighbors – literally (ask them), took ONE GIANT DEEP BREATH and truly from one breath to the next, it was clear. I simply let go. Next, we sold our house in one weeks time — a gift. I moved forward, never really looking back, at least not looking back in the same way.

 

To be continued Posts:

i’m an idiot Part 2: The Super Brief  5 Year Run Down

i’m an idiot Part 3:

Summary, I Am Not An Idiot, Part 4: the summary

the beautiful sounds of my sons screaming at each other

by CrazyUsFamily / My Three Cents / Travel2 Comments on the beautiful sounds of my sons screaming at each other

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I hear from the basement.

In my mind I see the boys fighting all American Gladiator Style and I am sure one of them must be near death.

“Hang in there young sons,” I think. If I say it out loud then they might find me.

See, I am hiding in the office, which happens to be several feet from the basement. I am guessing unless there is bloodshed they will not summon the desire to locate me. I will just hear their shrieking sounds, “MOM! MOM! He’s [insert super dramatic moans here] I [pause] cannot [pause] breathe.” Then one of them will stumble back into the t.v. room and the other will push play only to be lulled by the sweet sweet sounds of “Phineas and Ferb.”

I hear a door slam. Was I hoping for too much? Will they continue. I am silent and they still do not know where I am. Thank God!

“OWWWW!” Kyle exclaims and then it is silent.

Again I hear Kyle, “Ahh ahhh.”

Now I am curious. He has expressed interest in the dramatic arts and I am thinking he is on to something. Give me a second. Invisible and like a fly on the wall, I will see just what is going on. Not a Deer Fly, however, those things with their crazy scissor teeth slit you open and put their fly juice in the wound. No, not a Deer Fly, just a quiet and pleasant fly on the wall.

I am back and this is what I heard:

“No!” Eli shouts.

“Then stop being mean!” Kyle responds.

“I am not being mean.”

With my boys now ages nine and eleven, I think it is high time they work it out on their own. I leave them be with them not even knowing I was there. Success.

By the way, Eli just informed me that he cannot look at, touch or think about Kyle or Kyle will shoot him with a bow and arrow, a Nerf bow and arrow, that is.