Car Theft: Broken glass and I feel shattered

Shattered Glass on our 4Runner

“Of all the windows to break, why did they have to shatter the one next to the car seat?”

“By the time someone feels like they are entitled to break into your car, I don’t think they care or put any thought into whether they get broken glass all over some kid’s car seat.” Dave replied.

Yesterday, as Kyle and I drove away from his school, I noticed that I had missed a call from Dave. I called him twice before he answered and when he did, he asked me,

“I am guessing you are calling because you heard my message.”

“No. I saw that you called. What’s up?”

“Someone broke into both of our trucks last night and stole all of my tools.”

“What?”

“Someone broke into our trucks last night and stole my tools.”

“Dave, how could you leave your tools in the car with all that’s been going on?”

“This conversation is over. I am hanging up now.”

I immediately called Dave back and over the next few phone calls, we worked through our frustrations. During the night someone broke into our trucks. Just yesterday Dave had picked up a bunch of DeWalt power tools from the repair shop. There were over $1,000.00 of tools in the trucks and it was as if the robbers somehow knew that those tools would be there.

“I don’t think they did know.” Dave would later say.

I spent the morning at Kyle’s school. It was my volunteer day. Because Kyle’s class was watching a play mid-way through the day, the other two volunteer parents left (one always leaves at 11:00AM) and I was on my own. Ironically, Kyle’s teacher was called into a last-minute meeting as well. The class was supposed to be able to stay in the lunchroom until her meeting was over, but instead the lunch ladies kicked us out. I was on my own with twenty-two kids. “What could we do?” When we got to class, I asked the kids what we should do. One little boy suggested we surprise their teacher. I suggested they clean off their desks and to show me they were done and as I demonstrated, I asked them to put their hands in a funny medatative pose. Kyle, who stayed in the lunchroom to help his friend clean the tables, came in mid-way through our desk cleaning and for the third time that day, he yelled at me.

“Mom, Mom, why do we have to do this?”

Luckily one of his classmates coaxed him along our cool, room-cleaing adventure as I sadly thought to myself,

“Are we already here? Have we already arrived at the place where I, the mom, am a public embarrassment to Kyle, the son? I hope not.”

Kyle’s teacher wasn’t back and with all the desks cleaned, I suggested that every kid pick up two things around the room. I reminded them that if they each pick up two things, well, that would be almost fifty things and then the room would probably be clean. They seem excited and after picking up each thing, they eagerly sought me out for some well-deserved praise. As we ran out of things to pick up, I was began to panic a bit. Kyle’s teacher still wasn’t back. Quickly, because you have to be quick with these kids or you will lose them, I asked the kids to gather around the circle area. I asked them if they knew any fun games, and when things started to get crazy, I asked them about spring break. I asked what they were doing and then, knowing that many of the kids were going back to their child care, I asked if any of them were going to “day care” next week.

[little blond boy raises his hand]

“Um, Kyle’s Mom, we don’t say “DAY CARE.” [pause] “DAY CARE is for babies.”

“Oh, thanks for helping me understand. I won’t say that any more.”

Feeling like and idiot and realizing that I am SO not an elementary school teacher, I shifted gears to safer, more politically correct topics.

“Hey, let’s practice some math.”

“No, no!” One girl shouted.

I ignored her as I saw the many excited and attentive arms fly up in the air.

“Math. Math. We love math. Kyle’s mom, we love math!”

“Ok, what is 70 plus 30?”

They could hardly contain themselves,

“Oh, Oh, Oh, Kyle’s mom, I know. I know. I know. Pick me.”

I picked the first boy to raise his hand.

“One-hundred.”

“That is correct. Great.”

I continued with about two more math problems, when Kyle’s teacher walked back into the room. I was saved!

From Kyle’s school to Eli’s pre-school Dave and I went back and forth, calling each other (mostly me calling him). Every time I would think of another issue, I would call him back, talk for a minute and hang up.

“If only I knew who stole our stuff. If only I could talk to them. If only they could see how violated we feel.”

It won’t do any good.”

It wasn’t until I got home with both boys and went alone to the garage where I saw one of the trucks. Just last week, we got our 4Runner back from the shop. About a month ago, while parked on our street, someone backed into it and smashed the door in. As I stood in the garage I realized that it was the same door. As I looked in the window and saw all the glass piled into the car seat, I think I broke too.

In the last month, someone has broken into our garage and stolen Dave’s high-end mountain bike, the “hit and run” on the 4Runner I just mentioned, and now the tool thefts; a window was punched in on each truck. Dave, of course, called the police and no, they didn’t even bother coming over. The last time they came over, when the bike was stolen, they told me in a very matter-of-fact way that crime is on the rise.

“It seems to rise with all the meth use.” Officer so and so told me as he sat at my dining room table and continued, “The only way we have found to deter these people is with lighting.”

Our street light burnt out just the other day.

There I stood yesterday afternoon in the middle of our street talking to my neighbor, who had his planner and paycheck stolen out of his car the same day that Dave’s bike was stolen. He told me that his checkbook had twenty-five checks left.

“And can you believe they used every one of them? They even wrote a check to the gas company?” He told me.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes and when I talked to the detective, the detective told me that he couldn’t trace the check because it wasn’t over $500.00.”

“So someone can steal your checkbook, pay all their bills with it and there is nothing you can do?”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

I walked away from my neighbor, both of us agreeing to get the word out and teasing one another about how we would beat the hell out of these people if we ever see them.

Yesterday, I was crabby and impatient with the boys. I was also very very quiet. I felt like a bad, bad mom. I felt violated. I was mad because I felt like this could have been prevented and I wanted to blame someone. I felt angry about having to deal with insurance companies, glass people, getting bids and having to live with just one car again. I felt selfish, no, very selfish for feeling this way. I have so much and I am guessing the person or people who have been victimizing my family is/are in a much worse place than I am.

With that said, I still can’t let go of this one thought.

“Of all they windows the could have broken, why did they have to break the window next to the car seat? Why?”

Tagged :

Say “So Long” to THE DUKE

Update Thursday 2:08 PM

The Duke

Right before our trip Dave decided to shave his winter beard. (He grew a voluminous man-beard over the cold months to protect his face while working on the house.) Thank goodness for warm weather. While shaving, he paused and decided to leave me a little surprise, (which some of you have already noticed). That’s right. The little surprise he left me was his new super-sized, Marlboro-Man-styled mustache. Of course, there were many moments this past week that I thought my husband had been replaced by Jason Lee (My Name is Earl), which may not be such a bad thing.

And then, at the airport, our friend Alan suggested Dave looked more like a 1970’s porn star. . . What’s the dude’s name again? Oh yeah, you know, Ron Jeremy? Eww!

The Duke enjoys Disneyland. Anaheim, California
The Duke enjoys Disneyland. Anaheim, California

So, of course, on the plane, we played that one game — you know, the game where you figure out your porn star name by the first street you lived on and the name of your first pet. I believe mine was Myrtle Freemont (after Myrtle, my first pet turtle — may she rest in peace and obviously Freemont for the first street I lived on). Now Dave’s porn star name almost seemed premeditated. When you hear it, you will know what I mean. But seriously, how could his parents know those thirty some years ago that their mustache-sporting son would be playing this silly game someday. (Drum roll) Have I kept you waiting long enough? His porn star name is Chongo Duke. We prefer to call him, THE DUKE (or DUKE CHONGO).

The persona was born as the words Duke and Chongo left his lips. I was suddenly not traveling with my husband (and Ew, I wasn’t traveling with a 1970’s porn star either). Instead, we were all traveling with THE DUKE. There were moments when I wanted to be embarrassed about my scruffy, handlebar-mustachioed husband, but those moments were very few. I actually think he looked kind of sexy with his crazy stache.

The Duke on the Teacups. Disneyland, Anaheim, California
The Duke on the Teacups. Disneyland, Anaheim, California

On that plane ride, and maybe because Wilmer Valderrama was sitting kitty corner from me (yes, this is a teaser for my Wilmer story), I decided to embrace THE DUKE, and so I did.

Sadly, last night Dave pulled out his razor and shaved that hairy Muppet off of his face. THE DUKE is no more. May we all keep him in our memories.

 

Tagged :

An unconventional Happy Birthday to you, David Adams

Dave and Easy E. Park City, Utah -- Copyright CrazyUs.com
Dave and Easy E. Park City, Utah — Copyright CrazyUs.com

During the holidays, Dave and I spent two magical hours skiing together. We weren’t supposed to have these hours together, but with my sister tuckered out, my brother-in-law wanting to ski tougher terrain, and the boys in ski school, Dave and I were alone. My rental skis were pretty new, the sun was shining and the mountains were beyond breathtaking. Even though I hadn’t been skiing since Eli was two months old, I felt confident and was able keep up with my master skier husband. If being whacked hard by the approaching chair lift doesn’t count, you could say I made it through without any spills or major incidents! All Dave and I could talk about during our fantastic time together was how we couldn’t wait to have another ski date again and again and again. On the lifts, we began plotting our next twenty years of ski dates together. In those two hours and maybe due to the high altitude, even I was getting excited about our upcoming move to Park City because of the prospect of living so close to a ski resort. At the end of our wonderful day, it did not matter that the ski school “misplaced” (for two months, by the way) Eli’s skis after Eli fell asleep in a snow bank.

Earlier this week Dave was finally able to make good on our ski date dream and take the day off while my mom watched the boys. So Wednesday morning we headed up to The Canyons for a day of skiing with my newly acquired boots and skis (thank you REI super sale)!

On the drive up I spoke a few sentences about my infertility. And at this point, who really knows what the hell is going on inside of my body? Dave I am sure said something about the homebuilding. But because I was in such a sad haze, I am really not sure what he talked about. Most of drive, I silently looked out the window. Then, as we turned onto Kimball Junction Dave reached over and put his hand on my leg.

“Hey.”

I didn’t respond.

“Hey. Today is going to be great.” he continued.

Then I burst into tears, (I mean sobs).

For weeks Dave has been going to work, as he always does. He leaves early in the morning and arrives home right before the boys go to bed. On the weekend we are usually distracted with house stuff and entertaining the kids. This is the first time we have been alone, besides sleeping together, in a while. With Dave gone so much, I have been able to hide from my feelings, and hide I have been doing.

“I am so glad to be with you today, Dave, but being with you is forcing me to face these feelings and for the last couple of weeks I have been so sad. I have been sad about living in Utah. I have been sad about my infertility. I have been sad because I feel like I don’t have a personal purpose and I have been really lonely.”

“Hey Beth. It is going to be ok. This is why I wanted to be with you today. It will be alright.”

“How about my new boots? They hurt my feet. I am not going to be able to ski. I will ruin your day.”

“Let’s just see how it goes. It is going to be ok.”

I took a deep breath and sobbed really hard. My boots were worse than I could have imagined. Not only was I breaking them in, but we had adjusted them too snugly. I winced every step I took and it felt as though my feet were in a vice that was continually being tightened. It was cold and up high on the mountain it began to storm. Finally after a few runs, I begged Dave to stop at the Lodge. To get to the lodge, I had to make my now completely pained and immobile left foot down the steepest terrain of the day. Dave flew down this section and parked his skis while I chanted,

“You can do this Beth. You can do this Beth. You won’t fall. You won’t fall. It is only a little bit farther. Come on, Beth, you can do this.”

By some miracle I made it down without falling. I hobbled into the lodge and back to one of the few empty seats while Dave went to order our lunch. I intently began taking unhooking my boot buckles while pulling my foot out of the boot. The last buckle was frozen shut and jammed and now my foot was stuck midway between off and on. My foot’s circulation was being completely cut off and I began to sweat. Dave walked up with his huge steak sandwich and fries.

“You can eat the fries.”

“Where’s my chicken?”

“You asked for chicken?”

“Please just get my boot off.”

Dave gently pulled my boot off. Oh, the pain! I started to eat the beef-soaked fries, completely ignoring the fact that I am allergic to beef. Dave offered to buy me some chicken and I was too frustrated to accept his offer. Instead I was scheming up a way where Dave could ski by himself while I hung out in the lodge.

“I am ruining your day. You’ll have more fun without me.”

Dave wouldn’t accept what I was saying and gently coaxed me out the door. Somehow we ended up on this gymornous lift headed to the top of the mountain. My boots felt much better after Dave adjusted them. We got off the lift, my glasses fogged up and I couldn’t see a thing. Dave skied off ahead of me and all the anger and sadness I had been holding in for the last few weeks came out in the most massive wipe-out ever. I still couldn’t see and I began screaming like someone had hacked off my leg. Everything I knew about skiing left my mind in one twisted-knee-angry-wipe-out. The terrain was steep, the snow was falling and I could not figure out how to stand. Immediately a man (who I am sure heard my crazy screams) skied up on my right and instructed me how to get up. As he was talking, another man skied up on my left and they both calmly instructed me to turn towards the man on my left. I took my glasses off as the man on my left let me know that I would be ok. All I could see was the gap on his teeth that was just like mine. I stood up while he told me to follow his lines. I skied up to Dave and the man skied off.

I was trying not to be mad at Dave for not coming to my rescue. If I had been rational, I would see that it would have been really difficult for him to ski the 200 or so yards back up the steep mountain. He did the right thing by stopping and calling up to me. He tried talking to me, but I couldn’t talk. I was scared and mad and all my anger was making my glasses fog up again. Quickly, we skied down out of the storm and back to the lift. He was willing to leave, but I decided to try it again. One more time we did it and this time I did not fall. We left the resort via one crazy tow rope, a long walk up the slushy hill in our skis and one last run into the soupiest snow ever. Even the expert skiers were wiping out.

Our ski date was not the dreamy wonder we had envisioned. My left leg and now twisted left knee were throbbing, my feelings were exposed and I was emotionally drained. Somehow through all of the rage, the sorrow, the cold ski lift rides and my foggy glasses, I felt free. I was free, because I was with the one person, who unconditionally accepts me, loves me and is interested in what breaks my heart and what makes me happy. My sorrow was lifted while I was with Dave. And, on that day, my sorrow really needed to be lifted.


Saturday was Dave’s birthday, the day I began this post. As I think about Dave and all of the experiences we have shared, I couldn’t think of a better person to share my life with. Every day is a blessing and a joy. I think one of the favorite parts of our relationship is on those days or months, when one of us is struggling, the other is always there to listen, work through the rough stuff and share some of the burden. Our marriage is not total bliss, but I think we would both say that often the rough ski days are more memorable and meaningful than the easy ones.

Davy, I love you!

And in the immortal words of Rod Stewart (please Davy, don’t mock me [wink] for quoting Rod Stewart, but those were the words going through my head when I was thinking about you . . . and then I remembered this song),

“You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul
You’ll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul.”

Happy New Year II — It all ended or began mouthing the words to a Pink Floyd song.

Would Never Happen, Salt Lake City, Utah
Would Never Happen, Salt Lake City, Utah

Posing with Senator, Orrin Hatch: What should have been [wink wink]

I’ll start with where it ended: New Year’s Eve day began like any other Saturday. We were all exhausted after a very long week, the kids were screaming for breakfast, and Dave and I were trying to sneak in a few extra zzz’s by convincing the kids that because they had been playing so well, they could watch one television show if they sat very quietly on the floor at the foot of our bed. The day before my friend Kat had called to see if we had any plans for New Years and seeing as how we had literally canceled our trip to Las Vegas about five minutes before she called, I told her that our calendar was completely open. There Dave and I lay with sound and light blockers over our heads (blankets), trying to muster the strength to get our butts out of bed and make this New Year’s Eve a great day for all (remember, my sister, her husband and daughter were here for the holidays).

I wasn’t very worried about making the day great. It already would be, because we were just happy to be surrounded by family and good friends. I imagined a low-key night playing games and taking silly pictures (which I did) when somewhere, sometime, somehow during the day, some crazy soul (probably me) got the cockamamie idea to take the kids down to First Night, Salt Lake City’s New Years Eve Festival, where streets are blocked off, music is played LOUDLY, food is sold, and there are tons of festival-type things to do. (One of my favorites: Joining the Pow-Wow, and dancing to the drums with Zeke and Eli.)

(A Happy Hint: If you already happen to be skimming what is sure to be a very long story, stop now and please pay attention. This next little interaction is very important to how the rest of our evening will play out.) — Around 4:41 PM, or something close to 4:41 PM, my friend Alan (Kat’s husband) called to say that they were getting antsy and were ready to hit the festival. I told him that Dave, who had been skiing with my sister and her family, had just called and they would be home momentarily and that Alan, Kat and Zeke should head on over to our house.

Almost an hour later all seven of us were completely dressed and ready to go. Dave was freaking out because we were going to miss the Childrens Activities so I recommended he call Kat and Alan to see where they were. He called their house, no one answered so we both assumed they were on their way. Kat called about fifteen minutes later right after Dave had nearly burst the big vein that moves across his forward only to show its presence when Dave is really angry.

“Hey, Zeke and I are downtown. We just dropped Alan off at the basketball game. Where do you want to meet up?”

[insert jaw-dropping motion followed by drool pouring uncontrollably out of my mouth]

“Huh? [my eyes are now twirling all over the place — long pause] I talked to Alan and he said you guys were on your way over and that was an hour ago!”

I could immediately sense how bad Kat felt. Kat is literally one of the nicest, kindest, most honest and sincere people I have ever met. I felt bad because I knew I was bumming her out with this news. We most certainly had a mix-up. After Dave blew a gasket, we figured things out. We were going to meet Kat and Zeke downtown and Alan would meet up with us later. The truth is at the very last minute one of Alan’s friends called him with first row center court tickets to the Jazz game. I am guessing he had such a mangasm at this most exciting news that he got his wires crossed.

We found Kat and Zeke and eventually met up with Dominique (my sister) during the stellar performance of The School of Rock. The School of Rock kids covered Pink Floyd for their first set as our kids danced and spun around in that open space in front of the stage. It was all rosy until Eli, weighing in at 40 plus pounds, decided to spin Zeke, weighing in at about twenty-two pounds, around by the arm. What Eli hadn’t bargained for was that he chose to spin Zeke on his Bad Arm, you know, the arm that has the elbow with the little dislocation issue. Zeke and his arm, which now appeared to bend in three spots, walked over to Kat and me, and I immediately knew it was bad. Thankfully, this has happened before, and thankfully, Alan (who was just across the street at the game) knew how to snap Zeke’s elbow back into place. Woohoo! Kat no sooner rushed Zeke out of the building when Kyle and Eli ran head-on into each other (hence the tears in the picture). Once my niece Chloe saw the boys crying, her sympathy got the best of her and she broke down as the band sang,

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Dave and I joined in, holding up our invisible lighters. And no, (as every single person with in earshot or who could see us could attest) we, ourselves, were absolutely in no way at that moment, comfortably numb.

We made our way through the disco lights, purple, gold and green shining streamers back to Kat and Zeke. Zeke’s arm was back in place and he was back to his happy self. Surrounded by several hundred loud festival goers, we decided it was the right time to leave and that we should meet up with Alan for some dinner.

We made our way to the front entrance of The Salt Palace and as we stepped outside, it began to rain ever so lightly. As we stood there trying to decide where to eat, the rain came down harder. We decided to run for our cars. Kat and Zeke came with us so we could give them a ride to their car which was much farther away. Dave and the boys took off as Kat and I (and I swear it was in super-slow motion) ran through the now-sheets of heavy rain. In the background a band, who was still managing to perform in the torrential downpour, was playing a little Al Green and I swear one more time that Kat, Zeke and I were transported into some sort of Quentin Tarantino movie.

I’m, I’m so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is alright with me
‘Cause you make me feel, so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

Me sayin’ since, baby, since we’ve been together
Ooo, loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me, be the one you come running to
I’ll never be untrue
Ooo baby . . .

As Kat pleaded with Zeke not to look straight up into the pounding rain, the music kept on playing.

Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad . . .

First Night Salt Lake City, Utah: Seconds after Kyle & my niece, Chloe collided on the dance floor.
First Night Salt Lake City, Utah: Seconds after Kyle & my niece, Chloe collided on the dance floor.

Somewhere in there Alan called Kat and informed her that he was getting a ride to their car. And somewhere in there Kat told me that Alan was getting a ride to their car from none other than Orrin Hatch, the illustrious Senator from Utah, who also appeared in the movie, Traffic, by the way.

“Orrin Hatch is giving Alan a ride to your car?”

[laughing]

“Yep.”

At Kat’s car, and because Alan wasn’t there, I teasingly suggested that Orrin give Alan a ride to the taco joint we were going to. At that moment, Kat’s phone rang. Still laughing she told Alan that I recommended that Orrin drop Alan off at the Taco place. And you know what? Orrin told Alan that it was a good idea (or something like that). And so moments from now, Orrin would be dropping Alan off.

As we drove up 4th South, I laughed and I schemed with Dave, who was also laughing.

“I know how Alan can make it up to me?”

“How?”

“He can ask Orrin to take a picture with me! Wouldn’t that be hilarious?”

Before Dave could respond, I dialed my sister, who was already at the taco shop, and asked her to have her camera ready. We pulled into the restaurant. My sister hopped out of her car. I hopped out of ours. A ginormous SUV pulled up behind us and out hopped Alan, who immediately walked over to apologize. He gave me a hug and before I could ask him what I wanted, Orrin’s driver sped away, damn it!

“Alan, I wanted a picture with Orrin.”

“Beth, oh man. He totally would have done it. You should have called.”

Yes I should have. That one moment in my life when I should have called, I erred on the side of not being pushy. Oh man!

Alan jumped in,

“Well, I have some good news for you anyway.”

“What?”

“I told Orrin about your website?”

“You did?”

“I did. I even made sure he knew the URL”

Whether he really did or not (he still claims he did. He even told me that he Blackberry’d Orrin’s aide to tell him what my traffic is), I’d like to think my friend Alan actually had a conversation with Orrin Hatch about his crazy Democrat friend. It doesn’t get better.

Alan, you are forgiven.

At that point we all collectively agreed what an amazingly strange night it had been: Dislocated Elbows, The School of Rock, The choreographed Rainstorm and Orrin Hatch at the Taco stand, it really doesn’t get weirded than this.

Oh yes it does.

So I am walking Eli into pre-school this morning when the director spots me. She follows me to Eli’s classroom.

“Hey, were you at First Night?” she asked.

“Yes, I was.”

“We saw you on the news, eating popcorn.”

Later in the day one of my neighbors said they saw Dave and I on another news channel. We were mouthing the words to Pink Floyd.

First Night Salt Lake City, Utah: Kyle showing us his sweet dance moves
First Night Salt Lake City, Utah: Kyle showing us his sweet dance moves

Happy New Year! By the way: (The news clip should post tomorrow and then I will link to it.)

And Senator Hatch, if you’re reading this, stop by sometime. I’d like to get that picture. (Dave added that last sentence. I think it is kind of cheesy, but I love Dave for adding it. — Moments ago, as I was saving this, we were awoken by Kyle, who was vomiting all over his bead. Poor guy. He thinks he is throwing up because he ate too many chips earlier tonight. Sadly, we think it may be the stomach flu.)

Happy Seventh Anniversary, Dave!

Copper Tea Kettle
Copper Tea Kettle

Last week this copper tea kettle came in the mail for me. Dave and I had seen one just like it on our recent trip to Washington DC. Dave had secretly ordered it for me. Because I can be a little wishy-washy about things, once it came, I wasn’t sure if I wanted this tea kettle or the one with the automatic hand mechanism. That was until I made a certain discovery. Unbeknownst to either one of us, the seventh anniversary just happens to be the copper/wool anniversary. With this knowledge, at once my wishy-washy copper tea kettle became this beautiful (albeit slightly sappy) copper symbol of our love, a fortuitous little kettle that was meant to be in our home. Funny how simple information can change an opinion, isn’t it?

. . . When Dave and I were dating and our communication was colorful and open, I know many people thought our open communication would break us. Some people could not even fathom that we were a romantic couple because we were such incredible friends. Au contraire! It is that same open communication and fantastic friendship that has made this marriage work, and work so well.

You are my best friend, my husband, my rock-star lover and the father of our children. There are moments, like last night when you accused me of putting the chicken in the freezer, when I want to bite your head off and eat it. Those moments are brief compared to all the wonderful, amazing time we have spent together. I mean it. Last week as we drove past the Bethesda Residence Inn, where we spent the first night of our marriage, I felt glad and amazed at how fast it has gone. As we drove by our Poolesville, Maryland  reception site (now a Chinese Buffet  — and of course), I thought of posing (again) for those unconventional wedding photos we took on on the Poolesville lawn. I thought of our very yummy cake that was way too small. I cringed thinking about my dress that was way too tight. I laughed out loud when I thought of a particular ex-girlfriend of yours, the one who hit you in the head, hard, with the bottle she was supposed to be using to blow bubbles with. Our wedding was absolutely perfect!

Dave and Beth Rockville, Maryland 2005
Dave and Beth Rockville, Maryland 2005

As I read my archives (which in many ways articulates my feelings much better), I was reminded that last year our anniversary slipped your mind and I was a little upset. Consequently, you felt and appreciated my sorrow then and now. This year not only has the calendar on you computer been flashing reminders for the past week, but so has your PDA. I have seen the places you have written our special date down and yesterday you asked me what I wanted to do for our anniversary. Thank you for not forgetting. I know you are remembering because you know how much it means to me. And this is precisely why I think our marriage works so well. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.

Happy Anniversary Dave! I love you!

 

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Is that chocolate on your hands?

Easy E
Easy E

The other night Eli went downstairs to play in the toy room. About ninety seconds later he came back upstairs and walked over to Dave holding his hands out in a distorted, uncomfortable-looking position,

“Daddy, I have something on my hands.”
As Dave grabbed Eli’s arms, knowing full-well that he had better check Eli’s hands first before touching them, he said,

“Let me see.”
“Look, Daddy.” Eli continued as he opened his clenched hands, “It is poop.”
“What?” Dave asked?
“I have poop on my hands!” Eli proudly responded.
“How did you get poop on your hands, Eli?”

As Eli reached his hand back into the backside of his Pull-up, he said,

“I am big poopy.”

Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah
Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah

Overhearing their exchange and realizing that Dave might need some back-up, I walked over to Eli.

“Mommy, I am big poopy.”
“Eli, your hands?”
“They are big poopy.”
“Dave, we need to clean him up and then give him a bath.”
“Beth, I’ll help you get started and then why don’t you put him in the tub while I go to the basement on poop patrol.”

We took Eli into the bathroom, grabbed a box of wet wipes and some kind of antibacterial something-something and began decontamination procedures. Once done, Dave took the biohazards out of the bathroom. At that, I Eli washed his hands one more time. And once Eli was sufficiently decontaminated, I put him in the tub. Dave came back for a quick second to report that everything in the basement was good and that he did not find a trace of poop aside from what we found on Eli. Dave left. While Eli was sitting there, pouring water in and dumping it out of his bath toy Gladware container), he paused, looked up at me and said,

“Mommy, I wiped poop on the wall in the toy room.”
“You did?” (I said and then imagined the worse possible scenario: poop smeared all over the walls of our basement.
“Yes, I wiped poop on the wall in the toy room.”
“That probably wasn’t such a good idea Eli.” Because, my imagination was winning, I counted to ten three times, took a deep breath, got Eli out of the tub and into his pajamas.

Then I went to check out the toy room. While I was making my way to the toy room, Kyle wanted something to do, “RIGHT NOW,” so I suggested he put together his new Fish puzzle.

“But I don’t know where it is. Mom. I can’t do it because I don’t know where it is.” Kyle pleaded.

Because you and I both know that I had a more pressing issue to deal with, I screamed for Dave to find the fish puzzle and sent Kyle to make sure that Dave would really stop what he was doing and help him find the fish puzzle.

As I opened the door to the toy room and turned on the light, plain as day, just to the left of the train set, the wall was covered with Eli’s poopy-finger-paint masterpiece. As you can see below, (Viewer Discretion is advised, by the way. **Need to locate picture from archives), there was not just a little drop of poop, but the wall was covered with Eli’s Art Poop Masterpiece.

Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah
Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah

Between gasping for air and counting to ten one more time, I yelled,


“Dave. YOU HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE NOW! AND BRING THE CAMERA!”

“Do you want me to help Kyle find the fish puzzle or do you want me to come down there?”

“Oh, this definitely trumps the fish puzzle.” I said.

As Dave walked into the toy room, camera in hand, I casually asked him,

“Oh, so, you didn’t find any poop down here?”
“No. I walked the entire basement and I couldn’t find a thing,” he said.
While turning toward the POOP WALL, I looked back at him again, and said, “Really?”
“Hey, this wasn’t here before. How did Eli do that?”
“I guess he jumped out of the tub while I was not looking, pooped again, ran downstairs, painted the wall, ran back upstairs, and got back in the tub before I noticed he was gone.”
“Wow!” Dave exclaimed as he started taking pictures.

Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah
Easy E, Salt Lake City, Utah

In unison, I think we both yelled,

“HEY ELI. COME HERE NOW PLEASE.”

As fast as he could, Eli ran happily into the toy room.

“What is it Mom?”
“You really did this?”
“Yes I did,” he proudly exclaimed.
“Eli, never ever ever ever do this again. We don’t wipe poop on the wall, ok?”

Eli, quickly and very earnestly responded,

“I wouldn’t. Mom. I wouldn’t.”

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