Every time I tried posting this past week, my brain literally stalled out. It has been extremely hard translating the thoughts in my head onto these pages. I have tried many times over the last several days, but each time, I had to stop because my brain hurt.
Alas, I am feeling better. Nine days later, my head still hurts and if you give me your hand I will let you feel the indentation on my skull. Ask Kat, Alan, Dave and my mom (they all felt it) and yes, the depression in my skull is a kind of disconcerting, but what’s a little skull depression now that I am back (I think).
I have missed writing. I have missed reading. I have missed talking in complete and eloquent paragraphs. I pray I have a greater appreciation for neurological conditions. I hope there are no long-lasting affects of my concussion. There were moments when I felt truly sorry for myself and moments when I convinced myself that my concussion was not real, but all in my head [wink]. I am amazed at how much a bump to the noggin can humble a person. I have spent this past week feeling as though I was looking through someone else’s glasses (a little unerving I might add). Because I have two little boys who depend on me, I pushed myself into forming the words and laughing past the millions of times I unintentionally blended every word that came out of my mouth.
“I know I meant to say Urban Outfitters, but isn’t Burbonitters much cuter sounding than Urban Outfitters? Hey, and I bet Bourbon-Knitters would totally serve you booze while you knit, you think?”
Scary stuff.
Thank you everyone for your awesome birthday wishes. You made my year. For your compassionate thoughts regarding my brain trauma, I will always be grateful. I have so much to say and I will say it. I always feel badly when I promise you a story and then I don’t deliver, but I will. Tonight, because I am able to finally write, however, I simply needed to say how glad I am for my brain, how glad I am to be alright and how grateful I am for all of the support I have received. Thank You!
“Please snow, stop. It has been Spring for nearly a month and you are killing us. We have had enough!”
Every time I pack up our snow boots and winter cloths, it starts all over again. I, for one, have had enough. Do you have any idea what this grey sky is doing for my self-diagnosed SAD? Enough already!
Spring Buds. Salt Lake City, Utah — Copyright CrazyUs.com
I read the best blog entry the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since. Alice’s thoughts are articulated much better than I could have expressed the same types of feelings, which I have also been having these days. Lucky for me, it is so nice to know that someone out there and a very eloquent someone, has similar thoughts and feelings just like I do.
So what’s racing through the Habitrail of my brain today? Let’s see.
[Forgive me while I go into rare List Mode — Listing helps me separate me see what is really bugging me]
I need to call the doctor, I mean, the Reproductive Endocrinologist, to schedule Dave’s special specimen retrieving appointment. But after my friend described in detail what we could and could not do to help Dave retrieve his sample, I have been paralyzed by my very own performance anxiety –“Can touch here, but not there. Hands must be clean. Must not touch the top . . . ”
Street Sign. Salt Lake City, Utah
OvulationWe had sex when I ovulated, at least three times. I was sure I was ovulating, I think? My C.M. seemed perfect. Was it perfect or was it in my brain? I think I had two full days of egg whites? Could it be a yeast infection? No, there was no itching? Can you have a yeast infection and not itch? Am I not going to ovulate because I am stressing out so much about ovulating? Wait, I already ovulated. How long should I wait to take a pregnancy test? Should I take a pregnancy test? Are those cramps or is it anxiety? Could I be pregnant? Should I be pregnant?
So if Dave’s swimmers are swimming well, then we will go for A.I. (In this case, I only wish A.I. stood for Artificial Intelligence). So, if Dave’s guys are doing what they need to, then next month we will go for Artificial Insemination. Fun Fun. My doctor says I have like a 5 – 15 % great chance of conceiving with A.I. Is it even worth it. Then again, I keep wondering if I am pregnant this month? Wouldn’t it be crazy? If I was pregnant, then we would have another Christmas baby,Which takes us to the next bullet point.
A Holiday BabyEli is our Thanksgiving Child and Kyle is our Winter Solstice, Christmas Boy. If I did, by some huge miracle, get pregnant this month, then number three would be born between Thanksgiving and Christmas. AHOY! OY! When Dave and I talked about this, we agreed that at least all three kids would be equally screwed by having birthdays over the holidays. And my mom suggested that maybe this is our fertility window and that we should just go with it. You see, I conceived both Kyle and Eli in the month of March. Maybe early spring is our time. Maybe this is the only time my body can get itself in the right rhythm. Maybe I my ovaries are like little flower buds, coming to bloom in early spring and dying by autumn. Maybe.
Ok, so if I can push my brain past my infertility, then my list goes on and on forever. Thank God I have Kyle and Eli. Taking care of them forces me out of my head and always stops me from focusing entirely on me, Me, ME.I am worried about our move. I am worried about new schools. Kyle has done so well in his program. It was a hard adjustment, but now he totally fits in. He absolutely LOVES school. In fact, each day, I have to coax him out of the classroom. I don’t want to pull him from this school. I am panicking at the thought of making him adjust one more time to a new environment. I don’t want to deal with all the work it takes to deprogram the teachers and other parents, hoping that they will give him a chance, be patient with him and see that sure he can have a rocky start, but once he gets it, he gets it. I think Kyle is like me. He has some social anxiety. In his case, until he feels safe, he is very exuberant and willful. When Kyle relaxes and adjusts to his new environment, he is one of the most well-behaved kids in class. When people see Kyle as bad, he tends to live up to their expectations. Damn people and their labels and inability to see beyond their short-sided judgments. And actually, I hope their is a special place in Hell for Narrow Minded folks.
I want to keep working on my list, but I need to pick my kids up from school.
Normally, when I am feeling a little panicked or out of place, I call one of my friends and go on and on and on about what is bothering me. Somehow, by getting all my emotions out of my head, I usually feel better and more centered. What I often forget, is that after I vent, the receiver of my emotional words (even here on this website) is left with all my intense, heat-of-the-moment information. I move on, but they are left with my crap and can now form their opinions based on my out-bursts. Ewwwwwwww! With most of my friends, I also trust that my confidence will not be broken. Sadly, sometimes it is. When I lived in a more populated place, I felt more buffered and really didn’t care when someone blabbed my secrets. Hey, I like to talk too. But then again, when I lived in a bigger place, most of the time, I wouldn’t know that you were talking about me. So maybe it is not fair for me to expect so much more of the people here.
Before I moved back to Utah, I thought I had licked this kind of behavior. I no longer felt like I had to call someone every time I was lonely or upset. I felt free. I felt confident with who I had worked so hard to become. You see, in DC, I could be me without fear of constant scrutiny or judgement. I could isolate myself, even while I was at the mall or walking down the street. No one at the mall or at the local coffee shop knew me or knew my business. I was just the woman pushing two young children in a stroller. And when I felt blue, I could walk to my local Great Harvest, see the familiar faces, get a free slice or two of bread from my Great Harvest friends and then stroll out of their life, until we needed more bread. When I was feeling depressed or nutty, I could call my good friend, who lived a ten minute drive away, talk her ear off and then hop in the car and meet her at the local Baja Fresh or Purple Park. Ah, those were the days. We saw each other all the time, but when she went home, I had absolutely no idea what she was doing in her front yard and that is how I liked it.
I felt like I had reached a point of emotional calm and balance. That was, until I moved back to Utah and in a moment of insecurity, loneliness or lack of anonymity, I slipped back into my self-doubting behavior. Maybe, my hand had been forced and I wasn’t as together as I thought I was. In DC, I was merely in a bigger place, where I had more places to hide. Here, I can’t walk out my door, without people thinking they know where I stand religiously, politically and morally. How daunting. It’s my own reality television show, full of drama, judgement, good days, bad days and touching moments. As far as which character I play, I guess if you asked around my neighborhood, I would be labeled, the oppositional, out-spoken, funny, overly sensitive one.
Does it seem weird that my blog feels way more private than my neighborhood does? I can’t see you and you can only see this part of me. Not so in my community. At the beginning of the school year I was standing outside of Kyle’s new kindergarten class when a mother announced to the rest of the people standing there, “You are moving to Park City. I didn’t know you were moving to Park City.” I was caught off guard, because that is information I specifically had kept from the class. The mother then told me how she found out (and no, I did not say gossip). One of my neighbors’ daughters has dance class with this mother’s daughter and while they were getting to know each other, I happened to be their common ground. Was it a big deal that my neighbor gave out personal information about me? Probably not. Ok. Ok. I know this can and does happen anywhere. I am not even upset with my neighbor, because the Park City comment is just a very safe example of how information travels. In a small community, it just words seem to travel faster and travel back to other people you may know. My little beef is that sometimes I would like people to form their opinions through me instead of having them constantly formed by an outside third party until I am no longer Beth, just someone else’s’ opinion someone projected onto me. I am not used to this happening every single day, over and over again. It gets a little overwhelming. I could give more examples, but I don’t want to unintentionally hurt anyone.
99% of the time, living just feet from several people, who are all friends, is a very good and comforting thing. I love that I have two other neighbors, who also grew up in Minneapolis. It is a trip to live just doors from a good college friend. And so what, if one of my neighbors interned with my former therapist. (She thinks he is awesome too.) I am a little claustrophobic and that’s my own problem. I only hope I can get past those moments when I feel batty or blue. Right here and now, unlike when I lived in a much bigger place, I cannot hide. If I walk out the door feeling insecure or blue, I need to buck up and remember that those feelings will pass. I need to remember that the people, who judge me have bad moments too. Forgiveness is key and I also can’t forget that every time I don’t buck up, I will be sure to see the repercussions of my behavior play out for months and months to come.
— Before you comment on what some kind souls have observed, I totally need to clarify something about my Park City example:
MY PARK CITY COMMENT WAS NOT A JUDGEMENT ABOUT ME OR EVEN GOSSIP. IT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE OF HOW INFORMATION TRAVELS AND CAN COME BACK TO ME AT LESS PREFERABLE TIMES. IN THIS CASE, BECAUSE KYLE IS IN A SPECIAL KINDERGARTEN PROGRAM, I DIDN’T WANT THE PARENTS TO UNNECESSARILY THINK HE MAY LEAVE. WHETHER THIS IS GOOD OR BAD THAT I WITHHOLD THIS INFORMATION, IS REALLY MY CHOICE TO DECIDE, NOT SOME RANDOM PERSON.
WHY I Used Park City as an example, is because it is the only benign thing I could think of to (hopefully) illustrate my thought. I did not want to use a more edgy or malicious example (I have many of those), because this post wasn’t about pissing people off. I was hoping you all would pick up on that, but I can see now that I wasn’t very clear.
